By: Hailey Miller, Staff Writer

This year, Miss Planet Earth has reached new heights by setting her own personal best for the hottest summer on record. What an achievement! She’s really got a thing for outdoing herself. From sizzling hot sidewalks to fiery forests, she’s a force to be reckoned with, so you’d better watch out. Miss Planet Earth is all the rage right now, and she’s getting more attention than the moon’s highly anticipated astrological updates. What a diva: taking over her friend’s spotlight and burning bright into the night. A rivalry is clearly underway. The tabloids simply can’t keep up with her blazing tactics.

This woman literally owns an entire planet empire, and she acts like she’s got the whole world wrapped around her little finger. She gets more action in a day than anyone else would in an entire lifetime — if we ever make it that far, thanks to Miss Planet Earth’s outrageously hot body temperature melting away every last remnant of climate romance. She finds particular satisfaction in leaving her mark wherever she goes. 

Fleeing without a trace has no place for Miss Planet Earth. This diva really gets around, and she makes it known. Lately, she’s been spotted burning up forests and asphalt alike, melting ice sheets, and creating sweatboxes like never before. One minute, she’s steaming hot in the desert, and the next, she’s gallivanting around the Arctic, causing a heated debate among the glaciers. She stakes out residence in the tropics, then throws a curveball on the other side of her not-so-glorious tilting globe to fire up the cold polar sphere. 

This woman is so contradictive, she changes her mind faster than the weather itself. She’s more stealthy than Nancy Drew and Sherlock combined — appearing and vanishing out of thick, smoggy air and causing environmental mood swings faster than you can say “Climate Diva.” Miss Planet Earth loves nothing more than to bathe in the fossil-fuel-filled sizzling spa that is her melting core and pretend like her entire world isn’t completely on fire.

Don’t even think about getting Mother Nature started on her feud with her ex-bestie, because you know Miss Planet Earth is already heated enough as is. One raging comment between those two and the whole globe will tilt upside down. The people of the planet have spoken, and they can no longer take the heat! If you thought Miss Planet Earth was a diva, you haven’t seen climate activists protesting against the fact that their dear nemesis is firing up a storm. Miss Planet Earth really needs to have a word with the big, bad corporations of the world, and get them on her fiery side. 

Rumour has it Miss Planet Earth is slated to make an appearance on this year’s World Records of Things that Shouldn’t Be World Records awards show. Surely, she’ll be sizzling up the red carpet faster than you can strike a match. Someone better call the fire department because she’ll be hotter than the annual firefighters’ calendar. I’m sure as she’s reading this fiery little tabloid, she’s hiding out, kicked back while enjoying a nice cup of smoldering asphalt as she fires up her latest plan of letting it all burn to the ground. Trouble’s coming, so get out — oh wait, I don’t think you can!