By: C Icart, Humour Editor

I think it’s time we all came together and called on whoever is in charge of Apple (no, I will not look it up) to put a calculator on their wannabe PearPads. It is absolutely ridiculous that when I want to calculate how much money my upcoming TA paycheque will be, I need to Google 0 x 0 instead of being able to do it directly on my iPad. 

Apple, some of us can’t count, or have moral and ethical objections against the practice. We need to have quick access to a calculator directly on our devices. This isn’t rocket science! I mean, even if it was, I couldn’t do it because I’m pretty sure you need a calculator for that. 

Apple will create bulky goggles no one asked for before giving us the calculator we are allll asking for. I don’t want to see “a tight integration of hardware and software” that would allow me to look so incredibly uncool (or like I’m perpetually ready to scuba dive). I want y’all to “integrate” a calculator into the iPad, thank you. 

When I was looking up the list of basic human rights in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, I noticed that the “right to have a calculator specifically on your iPad” was not listed. That is a grave oversight. Because often, when someone is saying something to me and the math is not mathing . . . Are you still following? Let me give you examples. 

For instance, when a fuckboi is engaging in advanced and nonsensical boy math calculations in order to justify their misogyny or weaponize their incompetence, I could bust out my iPad calculator and be like, “the numbers don’t lie. The odds of you seeing me again are 0%.” OR when an employer who is generating a surplus every year “cannot afford to pay their employees,” I think having a calculator on hand to offer to them would greatly reduce these issues. 

Anyway, that was too much math for me today. Thank you for bearing with me while I was in my STEM era. Let’s all keep up the good fight and one day we will get that iPad calculator. 

In solidarity, 

Bestie