By: Chloë Arneson, Peak Associate
Aries
March 21–April 19
Alright, Aries, it’s time to get your head in the game and narrow down this roster. You’ve been scouting all summer, and it’s time to start hosting tryouts. Playoffs are just around the corner, and you know your aunt Jessica is going to ask when you’ll finally bring “someone special” around for Christmas. Since you’ve already drafted your top picks, make sure your game is strong enough to take you to the championships.
Taurus
April 20–May 20
Oh, Taurus, we know cuffing season can be rough. This week, try not to sweat the big stuff because your steadfast determination will bring out your inner baddie. You’re going to be in the gym, practicing self-love, and showing the world you’re committed to you. Just stay clear of those rom-com clips that keep popping up on your TikTok feed.
Gemini
May 21–June 20
Alright, tough guy, hot girl summer is over. We know you’re flirty and fun, Gemini. The stars are saying this cuffing season, it’s time to clear the roster and focus on what matters to you, whether it’s that super cool book you think will make you more mysterious or that three-page paper you have due next week. Put those Tinder notifications on silent and hop to it.
Cancer
June 21–July 22
The stars are speaking to me, Cancer. They’re telling me to deliver you a message. They’re saying, “get your money up, not your funny up.” Forget that weird ex that broke your heart — it’s time to be in your bag. We know that you can get emotional, and we love that about you, but as the months get colder, instead of running to somebody’s arms, try burning some of that cold, hard cash to stay warm, and we promise you’ll feel better.
Leo
July 23–August 22
It’s fall baking, silly little arts and crafts, and embarrassing guilty pleasure movies. Not your vibe? Well, my ear to the ground says cuffing season might be a little cliché, and with your trailblazer attitude and individualism, why don’t you try what the kids are calling “feral girl fall.” I saw the term on Twitter. It’s up to you to decipher what that means.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
You’ve seen all the romantic propaganda, and you aren’t fooled. We all know cute couples’ activities are a government conspiracy to stimulate the pumpkin patch economy. The stars are steering you far away from Valentine’s Day consumption and cutesy Christmas gifts to save you money, Virgo. Make sure to tell all the happy couples in your life that you’re above it all because you’re so enlightened.
Libra
September 23–October 22
We know you’re in your lover era, Libra. Go ahead and post those insufferably cute pics of you and your bae that make the rest of us want to throw up. You deserve it. Your matching Halloween costumes and rainy day movie nights are giving cringy millennial couple, but it’s okay because we’re all just jealous.
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
The stars are telling you it’s time to rethink your game plan. No more watching movies late at night with Tinder dates you’ll never see again. From now on, you’ll go to museums, aquariums, and cute brunch places with Tinder dates you’ll never see again to make sure you’ve farmed enough soft-launch content to last a lifetime.
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
Hey, hot stuff. You don’t need any dating advice; you’re the cuffing season champion. A Sagittarius knows the perfect combination of telling you that you have a nice ass and spinning you away to talk about life under the stars. As winter gets cold, you know exactly how to spend all the extra time indoors.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
This is a shameless ad calling all Capricorns. I am single, and it’s cold out. Your hard-working mentality and calm, grounded attitude are exactly what I’m looking for as exam season threatens to make me pull all my hair out. You’d still love me if I was bald or a worm, right? Call me.
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
Your best friend is tired of hearing about that one person you swore you’d block, Aquarius. Getting a text at 11:00 p.m. is NOT a sign from the stars. That wasn’t even a situationship; it was a deceptionship. You’re better than this.
Pisces
February 19–March 20
Now for you, Pisces, the stars seem to want to encourage a little bit of that delulu energy. Did they leave you on delivered for three days but view your story? They’re just working up the courage to confess their love.
