By: Kelly Chia, Editor-in-Chief
Dear SFU,
Why have you Mc-Forsaken me? I’ve been nothing but loyal to you . . . and in return, students no longer know who I am: my brawny arms and swaggy, athletic body, left to wade in the darkness of this concrete prison. No one will even sing me softly to rest, as I hide in a closet, waiting for my next opportunity to be featured by a Peak publication, if I do say so myself. Did you know that they wrote fanfiction about me, SFU? Did you know that I’m apparently the Editor-in-Chief? News to me! I’m writing a new cover piece, and it will expose our torrid relationship. I’ve given everything to you: I’ve hidden the ~quirkier~ parts of your institution with my face alone. I am SFU culture. So I ask you, SFU, who just abandons a school mascot without saying anything?!
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you don’t know the difference between a star — me — and a dud. But at least have the class to give me a proper send off! Don’t I deserve to graduate, too? Maybe not — no one can get into the classes they need without a virtual battle royale taking place. That’s just a rumour I heard, though. Here are the facts: when students approach the Trottier observatory, I should be the only constellation they see. When they hear a random bark in RCB hall, they should assume it’s me and my giant white paws stomping around. I mean, I served you for over two decades . . . yet, you’ve completely disengaged from me. How contradictory.
Well, let’s not dwell on our harder chapters, SFU. We play pretend so well together! Oh, I especially adore the game you’re playing right now, where we pretend student workers aren’t workers. It’s oh-so-fun to encourage some unity and community in this “commuter campus.” See? We both know how to draw crowds! That will show the other schools what we’re all about!
Come on, don’t you think students miss a fun little guy? I can be the Mc-Ken to the students’ Barbie. Just give me one more chance.
With love, and awoos,
McFogg
