By: Saije Rusimovici and Isabella Urbani, Staff Writers
Mental illness can tear you down. There’s moments when you wonder where the vision of you who wasn’t so impacted by your mind is. At first, mental illness feels manageable. Like it was just a minor character who needed to make an appearance every once and a while to remind people they’re still here. Eventually, it becomes bigger. Mental illness can make you start feeling like the guest. Not every person with a mental illness feels this way. But oftentimes, it’s characterized as such or as being make-believe. This is a no-holds back conversation about living with mental illness from two perspectives.
Saije: It’s one of those days where I just don’t want to think about the fact that I have a mental illness. To be quite honest, sitting down to write this piece makes me feel like I’m going backwards, reliving all the terrible experiences I’ve had because of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Talking about it over and over again makes me feel like I’m not past it, even though I’ve come so far since receiving my diagnosis. But then I remind myself I’m not writing this for me. I share my experiences because I want to educate others about the stigma and show that no matter what your mental health looks like right now, you’re not alone.
Isabella: Therapists tell you to talk or write what you’re feeling, but it’s not that simple. To do that would be to let my thoughts live outside of my mind. And when I do that, I realize how they sound: bizarre and strange.
I thought my mental illnesses were going to be fixed right away. I would get diagnosed, take pills, and that was that. It’s not that simple. When you have a mental illness, it never really goes away, even on good days. I’m just trying to suppress it. People don’t get that part. They think you’re fine, because some days you feel better. The problem is, even on those good days, I’m still going through my symptoms. It’s not like they completely disappear. When I first started taking my pills for depression and anxiety, I thought I had finally found the cure. Two years later, and now not only do I have depression and anxiety, I’m seeking a psychiatrist to find a diagnosis for what could be bipolar disorder, OCD, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Plus, I’m starting a whole new medication altogether. I live with these conditions. They grow and change just like I grow and change.
Saije: There is no beginning or end to a mental health journey. The phrase, “I have good days and bad days” has never been more true. Sometimes certain life circumstances make living with a mental illness particularly worse than other times. Stressful environments, big life changes, and emotionally-charged encounters are some of the things that over the years I’ve begun to phrase as “flare ups.” I used to be so hard on myself when I had a particularly good week only to end up crying in my bed on a Saturday night. I need to remind myself this doesn’t mean I’m taking a step backwards, but simply navigating the highs and lows of life with a mental illness.
Isabella: For the longest time, I struggled in silence because that felt easier than letting people into my mind. I didn’t know how to articulate what was going on. I just wished someone could hook me up to a machine and see what was happening and stop it. I’d be more than halfway into a confession to a loved one, and I just couldn’t get the words out. While it’s an illness, because it’s not visible at all times, people don’t really know the true extent of what I’m going through. So, they imagine it.
Although I had my suspicions, I refused to believe I had ADHD for the last several years because what I saw on social media was not what I was experiencing. I was racing, mentally and physically, throughout my house for the large half of summer two years ago. I couldn’t sleep. I just had to pace the house. Go room to room. Checking the doors. Do it again for extra measure. And then pacing. Even now, I could be ready to go to bed, but my mind isn’t. It won’t stop racing. It’s not like I’m consciously thinking about anything either, it just feels like my brain is rattled back and forth in my mind.
Saije: The more we normalize the highs and lows of mental health, the more we work towards ending the stigma around mental illness. It’s unfortunate that so many people still do not consider mental health as a real illness. It takes so long for people (myself included) to get access to proper therapy and treatment resources for many reasons. I remember my own doctor telling me that wait lists for counselling services have become so long because so many people are beginning to vocalize their experience with mental health issues. While this is a huge step, the medical system needs to keep up, changing as people begin to seek help for free and accessible resources and treatment.
Isabella: I’m actually very lucky that I’ve had tremendous medical support. I refused to talk to a doctor for a long time. I didn’t want to have to go through the burden of retelling my story time and time again. I didn’t want to be asked the same questions I didn’t have an answer to. But, I’m one of the lucky few who’s had a relatively pain-free experience. I have a great doctor who shows genuine concern for me, schedules checkups, understands who I am as a person, and is proactive. I’m seeing a psychiatrist soon. My doctor filled out a referral form for me weeks ago, and while it was supposed to take three months, I’m already booked for my first screening. I know it shouldn’t be a luxury, but it is.
Saije: Sometimes it’s hard not to think about all the things I might have done differently had I not been plagued with intrusive thoughts, worries, and anxiousness that at this point just feels natural to me. Before I began taking proper medication, I thought that this was just the way I would always feel. For me, there are no benefits to being diagnosed with a chronic mental illness.
Isabella: I never thought a mental illness could be a chronic disease. To me, a chronic disease is something physical that never goes away, but festers, and can flare up, like arthritis. It never occurred to me that a mental illness could meet that definition. But it’s true. This is my brain. I’m battling every single day. I’m battling to complete tasks although they feel pointless. I push down the thought that my friends think I’m too much when we hang out together. I fight to allow myself to brush my teeth and hair, even if my room is in shambles. I lead with emotion.
If I get good news, I’m excited to the point where I’m giddy and bouncing out of my seat all day. And when I’m sad, well, I think you can figure that out. I want mental illness to be treated seriously. It’s debilitating. I’d give up anything to live a day free of my mind. And I want everyone to always take care of themselves. Illness or not. Everyone has mental health. Feed your soul. Do what you need. I used to be able to do what felt like a million different tasks in a day. Now, doing one task takes me hours on end, and I’m exhausted afterwards. But I’m still doing what I set out to do. Little by little. Day by day.
To view a list of mental health resources, please go to the online version of this article.
Resources:
Battered Women’s Support Services
British Columbia Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse
COVID-Conscious Therapist Directory
Foundry BC
Indigenous Support Programs
Health and Counselling for newcomer LGBTQIA+ Refugees
S.U.C.C.E.S.S. BC — Multilingual counselling
Vancouver Black Therapy Foundation
