Revenge of the Stomach: Digestive Boogaloo

I’m taking back my agency

0
234
Illustration of a grumpy, personified stomach.
ILLUSTRATION: Alyssa Umbal / The Peak

By: Olivia Visser, Opinions Editor

Ah, it’s you again. I’ll admit, your response to my last letter left me with a bit of hopeless optimism. You seemed receptive for once. No lashing out in anger, no irritable bowels. You really had me thinking for a moment that maybe you’re “just sensitive.” Alas, the peace of the stomach is short lived. 

I now know our last conversation was simply the calm before the storm. Had I known then, I wouldn’t have stuffed my face with a box of Halloween candy. I was testing the waters, and boy, was I in too deep. Waist deep in deliciously sweet chocolate wrappers. 

Since then, you’ve continued to attack everything I value in life; from my ability to enjoy desserts, to my functioning at work and school. All those missing assignments and days spent in bed rather than class. Yeah, that’s right. I’m blaming you for my struggles in school. Now it’s personal. I mean, you could argue it became personal the moment you began nagging me in public places. It’s not easy being brave when you have a tummy ache. Nay, it’s one of the most challenging feats a human can undertake.

I was out shopping for groceries the other day. While browsing the produce aisle, I found myself thinking: what would my digestive system want? Can you believe that!? All these years of mistreatment, and somehow I still find myself rushing to defend you.

I’m fighting back this time. I’ve gone back to my family doctor (again) with concerns, realizing that maybe this isn’t all just “in my head” like you’ve led me to believe. No, maybe you are the problem. I don’t want a compromise — I want my life (and stomach) back! 

Yes, our situation is a bit more complicated than most. I can’t just leave you, some might argue I need you. I’d say it’s not that simple. What do you have to say for yourself!?

Stricken with fear, Eunice the stomach picked up his pen and began fumbling a response. He never understood why criticism followed him everywhere he went.

“Bbbbrrrrrbbbrrrrrrr,” he wrote.

“GGRRBRBBBRGHHHGRGBB!” 

I’m taking my life back,

Eunice