Top 10 ordinary things for your classmates to endure

How to distract your classmates during this semester

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Why do your assignments when living a double life is so much fun? Illustration: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Yasmin Vejs Simsek, Staff Writer

  1. A pineapple

Why not bring this mystery to class? You could either rock your pineapple like a baby, bring it to the teacher like an out-of-the-box-thinking teacher’s pet, or whip it out of your backpack halfway through class and apologize for having to eat it. The future is clear (and tropical)!

 

  1. A full-sized cardboard cutout of Leonardo DiCaprio

Bring a cardboard cutout of Leonardo DiCaprio to get your classmates talking — I speak from personal experience. You can ask Leo anything, like a Magic 8-ball. But a silent one you can dress up with anything, like a lei! Spice it up a little bit by feeding him during lunch break, or better yet, ask permission to use the bathroom, because Leo’s gotta go. 

 

  1. A really, really big hat

Go all out and wear one that is simply just as high as you are tall. You might get some nasty looks from the classmates who made the fatal decision to sit behind you, but they don’t understand fashion. For the full effect, it is crucial that you sit in the front row. If, or more likely, when, someone asks you to take your hat off, pretend you have absolutely no idea about any hat supposedly on your head. 

 

  1. A human-sized teddy bear

It’s imperative to treat this teddy bear as if it’s your life-long partner. Stage a meet-cute at the classroom entrance. Hold its paw and bat your eyelashes at it. Your classmates will be thrilled at this display of affection. Defend your love if anyone comes at you and invite them to the wedding in the fall.

 

  1. A director’s chair

Manifest your future career in the classroom. This item is great because it guarantees you a seat on the bus on your way to class as well. And you get to pick exactly where you will be sitting in class, obviously. Ideally you would sit in the back so you can comment on everything the prof says and make sure they improve for the next shot. For full effect, get one of the high director’s chairs, so you can overlook your whole film crew/class.

 

  1. A giant sub from Subway   

This six-foot long beauty from Subway will feed your entire class. You’re not going to, though. You deserve this. You’ll probably need a hand carrying it into the classroom, the helping person can have a bite. Make sure you eat it as one long sandwich, no cutting it into normal-sized sandwiches. Bonus points if your sandwich has tuna and pickles.

 

  1. An old PC computer

An oldie but a goodie. Bring the computer, keyboard, and monitor in all its glory. The clickety-clack of the external keyboard will ensure everyone knows you’re into the classics. Remember to arrive at least 20 minutes early to set you your whole home office — wires and all.

 

  1. A six-foot tall fern

It’s bring-your-bestie-to-class day and who better to bring than your BFF, Fern, whom you’ve raised since the lockdown of ‘20. You’re so proud of Fern and you obviously want to give them the best impression of your studies. The two of you should get in the middle of the class, right in front of the projector.

 

  1. A scroll of the 10 commandments

An old-timey scroll roll with the 10 commandments written with quill and ink. Every time the prof asks a question, you roll out the scroll and find your answer there. When reading a commandment aloud, declare it with the same vigor that Moses would have done.

 

  1. Your mom

This may or may not have been personally tested out. Bringing your mother to class is how you really make an impression on your classmates. To really go all in, ask her permission every time you want to do or say something like when you were a kid. Or exclaim with embarrassment “STOP IT, MOM!” every time she breathes.