Go back

The monster under my bed won’t pay rent

Humour
Humour
Humour
2 min.
0
1561
PHOTO: Pixabay

By: Yasmin Vejs Simsek, Staff Writer

Dear Mrs. Goldblum of Goldblum and Sons,

I am writing to seek legal advice. I have this monster under my bed, like I am sure many of your clients have had. While I do not wish to evict him, I do need him to pay rent. My utilities have basically gone through the roof since he moved in, and I cannot carry the financial burden for the both of us, especially not in this economy. It’s quite difficult to communicate with him since he only grunts. Not to mention the cultural barrier of someone who prefers hiding under the bed over having a house meeting.

I have attempted to write up a rental agreement that I would appreciate you looking through and advising me on the next step.

Name: Monster*

Address: 666 Godzilla Avenue, Loch Ness, BC

*Note: I am unsure of Monster’s name, as they simply blurt out unearthly horrors every time I ask.

This is a legally binding agreement between Landlord and Renter. The latter will hereby be referred to as Monster. This contract will outline the rent Monster shall pay Landlord as a fee for moving in under their bed. The contract will be in effect for a month once signed, with the possibility of renewal if Monster agrees to never scare Landlord on purpose and adheres to the following:

Monster agrees to pay Landlord the sum of $1,000 on a monthly basis for their comfortable living quarters under the bed. This includes utilities, water, gas, but not Wi-Fi. Access to Wi-Fi will be an additional $50 a month, considering how many hours Monster spends on Facetime with Big Foot. This can be negotiated if Monster chooses to take said calls at a nearby café and/or agrees to read Landlord a bedtime story every Monday night. Moreover, the rent will include access to Landlord’s Netflix account, so long as Monster promises to only use their own profile and not interfere with Landlord’s algorithm. Landlord is a scaredy cat.

Monster is allowed to have friends over once a week, with the exception of the Boogieman, with whom Landlord has beef. Additionally, Monster shall pay Landlord a security deposit in the amount of $800, in case of any damages Monster might cause with their large presence. The deposit will be returned as long as the premises are returned in the same condition as accepted, including the return of each individual dust bunny. No pets will be allowed, as Monster is technically considered a pet under Canadian law, but a renter under this contract.

Thanks, Ms. Goldblum, I hope you have a terrific—

No, stop Monster. STOP! You can’t eat this letter, it’s official business!

 

Was this article helpful?
0
0

Leave a Reply

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Read Next

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society