Forget owning a house, just build your own!

0
275
An illustration of some people giving a huge grin at the camera next to a pile of firewood
ILLUSTRATION: Amy Guo / The Peak

By: Clarence Ndabahwerize, Peak Associate

Victoria, BC —  In light of the housing affordability crisis, policymakers from the Government of Canada pulled a bit of a Marie Antoinette by coming up with a subsidised chainsaw training program for young Canadians. The program was unveiled by officials from Ottawa on the steps of the BC Parliament Building, from which the provincial government had just been renovicted!

This program will teach youth how to log, complete with an instruction manual for building their own house. A source was quoted saying, “It’s our best work! It outlines which trees are good for the exterior, and which trees do the drywall bits!”

Unfortunately, in a shocking turn of events, the program didn’t gather as much steam as policymakers hoped! Instead, youth turned out in droves, protesting such abhorrent activities for the environment and wondered why housing prices simply couldn’t be brought down. The officials had no response to this but reiterated that their choice of chainsaw for the program was 100% ethically sourced and created many well-paying Canadian jobs! The protesting youth then asked why they couldn’t afford to live today if jobs were “well-paying.” The officials responded by barricading themselves in the Parliament buildings to convene a conclave which would yield an appropriate answer. Other concerns from the youth included whether the whole program and announcement was insensitive since the government is already cutting down old-growth forests.

When the officials returned from their conclave a few days later, they were shocked to find the youth still outside protesting. The officials wondered how they had the time for such shenanigans, and the youth responded, “Haven’t you heard of working from home? Duh!” To their dismay, the protesting youth had set up camp with a dedicated Local Area Network, garbage sorting station, and avocado toast trucks! No Emergencies Act could sort this out, they’d have to consult William Lyon Mackenzie King’s crystal ball to reach an entity that could appropriately advise against such organisation! This consultation led to lawmakers tabling a motion to abolish remote work.

No one quite has the heart to tell the youth that the chainsaw company is responsible for driving up real estate prices through its shady investment practices or the government about what might happen when they find out. Will the party in power be voted out? Will they form an alliance with another minority party to cement their hold to power? Or will Parliament be politely raided? Only William Lyon Mackenzie King knows! He’s the only one who saw this whole thing coming!