By: Luke Faulks, Staff Writer
SFU Board celebrates [placeholder]’s student activism in recent policy shift
SFU has a proud history of student activism going back nearly 60 years. Sometimes that activism is a direct challenge to the university to do better. We’re proud to announce that we’re going to [produce/change/insert] much [less/more/the same, but different colour] [harmful agent] in our [classes/meal plan/ventilation] starting [end of our term]. The credit for this shift goes out to our brave students, particularly [name of group], who pushed the Board to do better. We look forward to meaningfully engaging with them on future issues.
We’ve heard your concerns about SFU being a commuter campus, so we’re turning it into a tourist trap
The Gondola is coming! With just a $210 million investment, we’ll be able to shave up to five minutes off your commute to campus. SFU has been inspired by student support for the project, so we’re leaning in to tackle the most pernicious of rumours about SFU — that it’s a commuter campus. In 2024, students can look forward to guided tours of slow-walking picture-takers, “I went to SFU and all I got was mesothelioma” T-shirts, and more raccoon merch than you can shake a selfie stick at!
If you’re reading this message, that means you won!
For the last decade, we’ve included a giveaway in the body of these messages. Each week, we add any previously unclaimed rewards up, thereby increasing the reward. For your diligence, we’d like to award you a free ride for your undergraduate and graduate career, the option to not have any speakers at your graduation service, and $10 million! Congratulations!
Artona is going to photoshop students’ grad photos.
We know that people don’t like taking grad photos. You’re not going to frame them and proudly display your weary faces, nor will you be using them on LinkedIn or Farmers Only. No, you get grad photos because your relatives pressure you into getting them. Well, no more. Artona has announced a “selective introvert” program, where they’ll take any photo of you and edit it into a cap and gown. They’ll even add under-arm sweat stains for summer semester graduands. This way, your photos can still be appreciated by your relatives, that is, before being shoved into a box full of other items that will be passed down from generation to generation.
The irregular musings of SFU’s Student Services emailer:
email@example.com is tired of not being noticed
I know, it’s a big joke. No one reads the Student Services announcements. Ha ha. I hear you laughing. But just for once, I’d like someone to engage with the stuff that I exhaustively assemble and send out. It’s not a joke. We try and try to put together stuff for students to enjoy, from puppy days to raising tuition to more puppy days, and you people never write back. I’m not asking for anything big, just a question, comment, or even just a straight-up, “How’s your day going, James?” Just once. Come on.