Top Ten things to carve into a pumpkin

Designs for desperate students

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a thriving pumpkin patch
PHOTO: Marius Ciocirlan / Unsplash

By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor

  1. The SkyTrain

What literally connects SFU students better than anything else? The Expo line is always an option between any two campuses, which anyone who’s suffered the transit between may recall. Pay homage to U-Pass BC, public transit, and all the weird experiences shared on the way to and from classes with Metro Vancouver’s first SkyTrain line

  1. Your essay

Don’t miss a single point for effort or creativity on your upcoming essay; carve it into a pumpkin! Gourd big or gourd home, right? You need to pumpkin spice up your life, and this is how. Give your TA a pumpkin to remember. 

Once you painstakingly type your essay, save trees and save yourself SFU printing fees by just writing it again on a giant pumpkin. A plumpkin, if you will. Orange you a good student? 

  1. McFogg the Dog

Take the time to truly observe and admire McFogg. He works his ass off going to Council meetings, playing every sport, and majoring in every department. In fact, he works so hard that he almost looks human. I had no idea a Scottie could look so good in a kilt. 

McFogg also represents the absolute best a student can be: well groomed, great fashion sense, and a doggone good attitude. As you carve his pronounced abs, recognize him as the peak of student living. Notice you envy him, and aim to create a work of art he would be proud of and let his best traits grow on you. Develop a crush on your new hero, McFogg, then realize you can never share these thoughts with anyone. Leave the pumpkin outside to rot away through the fall.

  1. More pumpkins

Carve a detailed pumpkin into your pumpkin. Then, carve another pumpkin into that. And another pumpkin in a pumpkin in a . . . 

Nothing could be more creative than making a meta statement on pumpkins. Not sure what it really means, but at least it might look cool. After passing by them for months, they somehow start to look homey, or become quintessential part of SFU. Maybe SFU was born with it; maybe it’s Maybelline. Either way, you can take the SFU aesthetic home with you in a pumpkin, like you’ve always wanted.

  1. Abstract art

Create a nuanced, delicate design by just stabbing a bunch of holes and wrenching out hunks of the sides. Take out your frustration by slashing at it, and call it intentional if anyone asks.

One might argue that the set of wavering parallel lines represents your relationship with your studies. The recurring holes are a motif, and each symbolizes a course you have taken or may take, with the larger ones representing your major and clusters marking their relation to each other. In conclusion, these carefully carved designs are a clever sign of your creativity as learned at SFU.

  1. The UBC logo

Have you noticed that the SFU logo is barely even a logo? It’s just “SFU” in a red rectangle. Comparatively, the UBC logo is an artful crest that borrows elements from the BC flag, like blue waves and a golden sun.

Enjoy the one thing UBC does better than SFU, or so I tell myself. Or re-imagine the rays of sun over the waves as Cthulu’s arms. Whatever. In the end, you always have the option of smashing it to avoid offending the SFU gods watching over us.

  1. A bagel

Carve yourself a delicious breakfast snack! First, carve one large circle. Next, carve a smaller circle inside. Take out the bagel and, oh, that’s weird. No bagel hole. Huh . . . Maybe you can stick your head in the hole and make it into a costume, but snack on a slice of pumpkin while you mourn the opportunity you had to create a cool design but fell for the old bagel trick.

  1. A chain link fence

SFU Burnaby has two primary aesthetic traits: concrete and construction. Carving concrete would be challenging and probably boring, but those fences that keep people out have a pretty cool design. 

Take the time to observe a chain link fence again. I don’t think chain link fences hide anything, but I’m looking into it. I’m not saying you should cross into a construction site when it’s empty, but you should see both sides of the story. 

  1. Stingy Jack

Who’s Stingy Jack? Only an Irish folktale character that Jack O’Lanterns were originally meant to scare off! 

The dude allegedly tricked Satan a couple times so he wouldn’t go to hell but in the meantime got banned from heaven, so he’s stuck wandering around at night with a coal in a turnip. How badass is that? You’ll have the most historically accurate creation and get to dazzle friends with your newfound fun facts about Halloween history.

  1. Nothing

Pumpkins? In this economy? No, thank you. Who has the time to carve a pumpkin after a week of classes, work, and extracurriculars, especially this time of year? Instead, just get one of those tiny pumpkins to set outside or in the window and call it done.