Top 10 useless superpowers you will get going to SFU

Your special powers, from being a picnic hero to time travel

watermelon with quarter slice removed
PHOTO: Mockup Graphics / Unsplash

By: Craig Allan, SFU Student

  1. Cracking a watermelon open with your thighs

With all the stair climbing and racing across campus to classes, your thighs will develop into trunks of steel! No more dangerous knives and missing fingers at your next picnic . . . Now, there will be misshapen blobs of watermelon innards to share! 

2. Finding what you are not looking for

You won’t find the bookstore, but you will find a store that sells kitschy merchandise you wouldn’t even find at a Gastown tourist gift shop. You won’t find your classroom, but you will find the long stairwell that leads you to a dead end wall at the top. SFU is full of fun surprises like that!

3. Staying awake through your breadth classes

You’ll figure out when you get your degree that this superpower has no practical application for your life in the real world. Much like breadth classes themselves! 

4. Time travel

That’s right — on the way up to SFU you pass through a time vortex. It only works when you take the bus up Burnaby Mountain, and it slows down time. The ride feels like an eternity despite the fact that the Burquitlam and Production Way/University stations are right there, and it’ll make you slow to class too!

5. Loss of taste

The food at SFU is really just a step up from a potluck consisting of food bought at a dollar store, but you will learn to deal with it when you develop an iron tongue impervious to taste. You’ll just choke down that $50 sandwich from Cornerstone and Dining Hall dinners and you won’t be able to taste a thing. 

6. You no longer fear rain

Eventually the barrage of rain will be omnipresent during your time at SFU. After years of carrying around an umbrella, huddling under a jacket, and fearing this cold unrelenting shower, you will give yourself to the rain. 

7. The flying credit card trick

You’ll get a new superhero pet at SFU: the flying credit card. You’ll fall into so many situations where you have to pay for things, you won’t even need to take out your wallet anymore. The credit card will just fly out onto the touchpad. Unfortunately, the card will stop working when you can no longer feed it the food it needs to survive: a snack called Line of Credit.

8. Happiness

Ha! Just kidding! Abandon all hope ye who enter SFU.

9. Raccoon habits

This superpower will only help you at SFU, when you find out some professors are actually raccoons. Coming back to classes, some did not feel comfortable being in small classrooms with so many people, so they hired raccoons to teach the classes for them. They also put them in business suits hoping no one would notice. Once you figure out if your teacher is a raccoon, you can get your grades up. Some blackberries and a bag of spiders for professor Ringtail can go a long way in getting you a passing grade on that test where every answer is either “bug” or “blackberry.”

10. Living well in a cramped space

This superpower may actually be useful . . . Being crammed in a 65-person class that should only fit 32 will get you used to living in cramped spaces post-graduation. What, you thought you could afford to buy your own place with an SFU degree? Now that would be a real superpower!