The Secret Life of an SFU Vampire

Vampire finds a peaceful life at SFU

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vampire student with curly hair drinks a bloody Mary reading a textbook
ILLUSTRATION: Maple Sukontasukkul / The Peak

By: Tamanna T., Staff Writer

Have you ever wondered what dwells in the empty townhouses when everyone goes to sleep after a long day of stressful classes? Well, look no further, because the horror that lives within those walls is me: Vlad the Vampire.

Just kidding. My name is Scott, and although I am a vampire, I’m not related to Vlad even remotely, and I’m not scary. I am a third year psychology major, which is perfect because I get to learn how humans think so I can blend in better and I don’t have to interact with people much.

I was born in Vancouver, and my parents (also vampires), thought it would be best if I studied on a mountain where the sun doesn’t shine for more than two hours in a day. My parents live in West Vancouver in a house not many know about. Most people think I was turned into a vampire by a bat, but I was born into this glittering skin like Edward Cullen. 

Kidding! I’m your average Joe with regular parents  —  just with fangs and an affinity for blood, of course. I stop aging at 20, and I have the rest of my eternal life to continue my education, which is why I’m takin’ it slow at university.

I take two courses per semester and I try to keep average grades. You might think, “Damn, this dude has it all: immortality, cool parents, and a chill life.” But that’s not true. Despite the popularity of vampires in popular culture, if anyone found out I’m a blood-sucking being, they’d douse me in holy water and faint. 

Life gets lonely as a vampire, but I’m working on it. I can’t go anywhere without being invited in, but luckily, being Canadian has its perks. People are kind and inviting, and no one judges you for your pale skin tone, which is an added bonus. I was invited to a frat party by my classmate a week ago, and I might just go and have bloody fun!

Another benefit of being undead? No sleep! Even though I take it easy in life, classes can be draining. Luckily, I have the entire night to spend studying and consuming caffeine like my life depends on it, only if it’s for aesthetics. Human food does nothing for me. 

My roommate, who is a human, doesn’t know I’m a vampire. He doesn’t even suspect it! He’s a mechatronics major, so it doesn’t surprise me. It’s funny how clueless someone can be when they don’t even have time to do their laundry, much less look into their roommate being an undead devil of the night.

As October rolls around, I always come out of my shell a little bit. The best time to be a vampire is in Vancouver fall. I can walk around during the day all layered up and no one bats an eye. Being a blond, girls fawn over me all the time, comparing me to Draco Malfoy. 

Honestly, my life is pretty good for a vampire. I thought I would have an exceptionally hard time at university, but seeing students drained and looking exhausted all the time, I feel right at home.

On Halloween, I always wonder if I should steal my grandpa’s robes and dress up as a vampire for once. Stay on the lookout for someone dressed as Vlad; it might just be me.