By: Charlene Aviles, Staff Writer
Welcome to a wildlife safari here at SFU! We’ll be taking a tour of the campus. According to legend, rare creatures appear on Burnaby Mountain. Watch out for them! Do not feed them under any circumstances.
Conservation status: Vulnerable.
Danger to students: Potentially fatal cuteness overload.
Habitat: Zoom lectures and tutorials.
Weakness: Broken webcams.
Strength: Can speak 12 different animal languages, including Pig Latin.
Creature description: After a long day of Zoom fatigue, this creature is bound to steal the spotlight during your lecture or tutorial. In the midst of awkward tutorial sessions with countless cameras turned off, furry sidekicks tend to make a surprise appearance. Make sure to get out your binoculars! Their webcam’s angle tends to hide this creature’s face behind pet tails. If they are in your breakout room, you will likely find yourself rushing through the tutorial assignment while everyone else drools over the pet whisperer’s sidekick.
Conservation status: Endangered. Their population usually increases during midterms and finals season.
Danger to students: You will run out of marker ink from drawing on their face.
Habitat: Back row of dark lecture halls.
Weakness: Bright lights.
Creature description: Get your cameras ready! This nocturnal creature likes to stay camouflaged with their sunglasses, sweatpants, fuzzy slippers, and sleeping bag. At the back of the lecture hall, they can be seen sneaking a pillow and blanket into the classroom. Be cautious when the sleeptalker is deep in their sleep! In the middle of the lecture, they can be seen sleep-singing and clapping to the Friends’ theme song. During the later stages of their life cycle, they accumulate more of their classmates’ drawings on their face. Beware! If you try to talk to them during their nap, they will talk to you in their sleep. If you feel brave enough, you must sound a gong to wake them up from their slumber.
Conservation status: Near extinct. Often discovered when it’s too late.
Danger to students: Phones will break from their non-stop messages.
Habitat: Class group chats.
Weakness: Blocked account.
Strength: Unlimited lives.
Creature description: Disguising themself as a regular student with “SFU” in their account bio, they infiltrate class group chats. Their origins are unknown, because most people cannot find their name in the class roster. Once they gain the group chat’s trust and approval by posting funny memes, they strike with their endless 2:00 a.m. calls and GIFs. They will be blocked from group chats, but will create more social media accounts to entertain themselves.