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SFU announces new eReader to replace textbooks

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Book reading will never be the same

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Humour
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By: Craig Allan, SFU student

In order to reduce the burden of books on students, SFU will now be requiring the use of e-books for courses. The additional platform for academics to juggle is guaranteed to work smoothly for all courses.

For the Fall 2021 semester, SFU will be introducing a new, downloadable e-reader application. This e-reader will be used for all books that students buy for their classes at SFU. We are so confident in this product we are dropping paper books entirely and dedicating ourselves to the SFU e-reader!

The SFU e-reader has all the functions you want in an online book reader: highlighting in multiple colours, note-taking, and flash cards. All of them work for at least four minutes. Then all these functions may inexplicably stop working. You can try deleting your cookies or restarting it but it just won’t come back on according to our elite team of technicians.

 Restarting your computer will get the programs working again. Worried about losing your place in a book? Fear not! We have bookmarks that you can place in the book that will lead you back to the place you last left it. For example, save it on a page in volume II, chapter 16, and that bookmark will take you right back to the beginning of volume II.

Did you say page numbers? We have taken all of our books and shortened the pages for maximum reading. A 500 page book will now be reduced to just 200 pages. You won’t believe how fast you read our books! Of course, professors may still demand page citations be based on the paperback version. If your professor insists, just tell that square to get with the times!

Half the time, our e-reader doesn’t completely crash your device, but if it does, there is an easy fix. Go to your local electronics store and have them wipe your hard drive, memory, and RAM. Then, download our e-reader again and it will work fine. This is our gift to you: we are freeing you from the burden of a computer clogged up with financial records and those only pictures you have with your newly born nephew from a couple of years ago. You’re welcome! After this, all you have to do is buy the books again and you are back to reading.

You’ll get all this and more (including free malware!) when you buy the new SFU e-reader. Thank you for using the SFU e-reader, where our motto is the same for every other textbook access code: “No Refunds!”

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society