By: Jacob Mattie, Peak Associate
While crossing the street near SFU Surrey campus, a few of The Peak staff narrowly avoided being run over by a car. It was so loud that it gave enough warning to get out of the way, and fast enough to almost counteract its noise safety measure. Fortunately, we had been practicing our cardio, and were able to catch up to the car to obtain this exclusive interview:
Peak Staff (PS): Hey, you’re going pretty fast. Why is that?
Car Driver (CD): Bro, I’m sorry bro, I can’t help it. I need to go fast or else my dick will fall off.
PS: That’s unusual. How come?
CD: I was cursed, bro. I was minding my own business, trying to piss into as many of those newspaper boxes as I could. All of a sudden, this real muscly-looking lady starts screaming and charging at me. I got real scared and started running the other way, and I heard her yell behind me: “Slow down, you shitbag, and your dick won’t be attached to your body anymore.”
I knew it was a curse. I got so scared I could hardly run right. She was a witch, I’m sure of it — I heard her laughing behind me.
PS: You mean cackling?
CD: No, no, laughing, bro. She was all doubled over and everything like how witches do when they’re casting spells. I saw a cat too later on that day, and that’s when I knew for sure she was a witch. So anyways, I ran as fast as I could, but I started to get tired, so I got in my car. I figure I don’t have to run as long as I just don’t slow down. Stop signs and traffic lights are real scary for me, but I make sure to rev my engine extra loud so she thinks I’m still going fast.
PS: How long have you been driving for?
CD: I don’t know anymore, bro. I think it’s been days. I’m just glad I peed so much before getting cursed, or my car would be a mess.
At this point, we thanked the driver for his time and wished him luck on keeping all of his appendages fully attached. We slowed our pace, and reflected on the valuable lessons that we had learned. Certainly, urinating inside public property is a bad idea without proper cardio training. However, we were also faced with the errors of our judgment. We’d often in the past criticized people with loud and fast cars for being selfish and lacking consideration for others, but our humbling discussion with this unfortunate man helped us remember: it’s important to gather all the details of someone’s situation before forming judgments.
Now, on hearing the rattle and roar of some dudebro’s souped up engine, we are no longer filled with disgust and irritation. We hold them tenderly in our hearts, and shed a tear of sympathy for the tragic lives they live.