Your new teen show obsession: Blue’s Clues

Like the Archie comics and Winx Club before it, this beloved childrens’ show is about to be massacred

ILLUSTRATION: Shaheen Virk / The Peak

By: Kelly Chia, Staff Writer

 

The CW recently leaked a script of its newest revival. The victim? Blue’s Clues. We at The Peak are giving you an exclusive preview of their latest broody hit. We know. We didn’t ask for this either.

 

INT. STEVE’S HOME – NIGHT

 

The home of Steve and Blue. The formerly bright house leaves only hints of its juvenile beginnings: the ‘70s wallpaper is now a dull orange.

 

STEVE (29 to play 15) walks into frame. He dons a beanie, his beloved striped shirt, and cuffed jeans. Steve peers at the CAMERA, then waves his hand dismissively. He sits slumped against a couch and begins doodling. 

 

In the corner of the frame, NOTEBOOK (18) and SIDETABLE DRAWER (24) are seen snickering.

 

STEVE (Voiceover) 

It’s been a tiring night. Blue is still gone, and I have to deal with the consequences. I’ve been at my couch all day while my so-called Notebook and the Sidetable Drawer have been sneaking off to gossip. 

 

SIDETABLE DRAWER

(to NOTEBOOK)

I say that it’s good she left him! Girl power! 

(quieter)

God, I’m so tired of his Kelly Green sweaters. Has he heard of variety?

 

STEVE self-consciously touches his shirt. NOTEBOOK tucks a stray coil of hair behind her ear, looking at STEVE shyly. 

 

NOTEBOOK

(hushed, to SIDETABLE DRAWER)

I don’t know, his smooth crayon drawings have me feeling a type of way. 

 

STEVE (V.O.)

Their chatter didn’t matter. I’m Mr. Steve Burns, the man who has it all! I’ve been wanting to get out of my contracted outfit for a bit, but hey, them’s the breaks. I know I get extra adoration when I wear the outfit.

 

STEVE approaches the mirror and tosses some well-deserved finger guns at himself.

 

STEVE (V.O.)

Sometimes, you lose out on your opportunity to wear your My Chemical Romance T-shirt and you gotta put on the Old Navy long sleeve polo, even if your roommates laugh at you. Call that Steve’s Declassified Show Survival Guide — wait, is that copyrighted?

 

While STEVE ponders to himself, MR. PEPPER (35) walks into the living room. MR. PEPPER dons a leather jacket that barely conceals the smattering of tattoos across his body. He eyes STEVE witheringly.

 

PEPPER

You look like someone’s cursed Tumblr crush. 

 

PEPPER shakes his head healthily. STEVE sneezes.

 

STEVE (V.O.)

Don’t get it twisted: I am the protagonist, alright? Not a dog

 

MRS. PEPPER (25 to play 40) walks in after her husband, shaped like a saucer in her ceramic white dress. She speaks with a thick New York accent.

 

MRS. PEPPER

Steve? Ya can’t keep bein’ hung up on Blue. She’d want ya to move on.

 

STEVE turns to the CAMERA, speaking past the fourth wall. His voice has the nasal pitch of a YouTuber reviewing tech.

 

STEVE

Blue isn’t dead. She’s run off with that garishly pink girl, Magenta. And I need your help to figure out where she is!

 

STEVE’s tone drops at the last sentence. He isn’t sure he believes in that anymore. The scene cuts to his fond memories.

 

STEVE (V.O.)

I’ve been on my own for a while, even before Blue left. I remember her blueberry-scented fur wafting happily through the room, her paws dotting the way with every mystery. But we’ve grown up now, and she’s more content spending time with Magenta than solving mysteries with me.

 

STEVE takes a drag of his cigar. And then, he sees it: the PAW PRINTS on the wall (like, writing on the wall. Get it?) He approaches it, reverently.

 

STEVE 

Blue? 

 

The prints start to glow faintly, revealing a HUMANOID SILHOUETTE. This was not a cartoon dog.

 

???
I am no longer “Blue.” I am Project 9271111, and I am your worst nightmare.

 

STEVE

Fuck.