By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor
VANCOUVER, BC — A recent graduate from the SFU department of economics, Matthew Lashuk, has gone where no other economist with a basic understanding of the capitalist proceedings of the world has ever gone before. In a widely read and often scrutinized dissertation, the academic argued that printing more money would single-handedly solve Canada’s approximate $721 billion dollar global debt.
Lashuk sat down with The Peak to explain his solution to the crisis that has plagued the country for decades.
“Why has nobody thought of this before? Simple. They’re overthinking it,” he began. “If you’re hungry, you go to the grocery store and buy more food. If you’re thirsty, you turn on your tap and fill up a glass. It’s the same premise. Lacking money? Just . . . make more.”
When asked if he understands that there are countless exploited farmers and essential workers that risk their health to provide said food, and that this food is limited and not an ethereal entity that magically shows up at Whole Foods, Lashuk scowled.
“I know that. Are you belittling me?”
The Peak would never critique anyone, ever.
“But money is different. There are lots of trees. I have one in my backyard! We cut them down. We make more money. We spend it to pay off debt. The trees grow back. We cut those down. It’s really not that hard.”
We considered explaining that Canadian currency is plastic, but we didn’t want to stop him while he was on a roll.
“Think about the absolute advantage Canada would have if we made the most money. Oh, for those who don’t know, which I’m sure is most of you, absolute advantage is producing more of a desired product or thing with the same amount of effort and resources as others. So now that we have introductory economics out of the way, you may understand my complex and nuanced thought process here . . . We make more money, while others make less.”
Here, we noted he’d already said that and his explanation hadn’t factored in inflation or the basic premise of consumerism at all.
Lashuk chuckled. “For being the paper representing the student body of a distinguished university, you are all quite unaware. Of course I’ve considered inflation. You just keep making the money waterproof and it will float.”
It is currently uncertain whether Lashuk knew the difference between inflation and inflatable pool floaties.
Riding off participation marks and his accountant dad’s help with every assignment, the graduate prides himself on this “monumental advancement for the country he holds dearly” that was “achieved through countless hours scrolling through The Economist but only looking at pieces with Elon Musk as the thumbnail because he knows how to ethically make money.”
The Peak will update its readers on Lashuk’s future efforts to ignore the current ways of life.
