By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor
Are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
The only explanation for this absolutely horrible, disastrous, what-the-whole-entire-fuck period of time is, of course, some piece of shit staring at two monitors above their Razer light-up keyboard. I’m talking about gamers, everyone.
The gamers I’m talking about aren’t your everyday World of Warcraft-addicted, unironic fans of Hatsune Miku. These are advanced gamers. While we’re in the age of Among Us, their society has evolved far beyond. In fact, they’re in the era of The Sims 5.
The twist? We’re the Sims, people.
Sure, the new game has its perks. We no longer have to speak in Simlish. For most characters, our world is in 60fps (not me, though, I can’t see shit), and we have a few more song options than the poor souls in the previous edition.
For every benefit comes more pain, though. This new edition gives our overlord too much power. Just look at the Armageddon around us. There’s no way a level-headed player would let this chain of events happen, and all at once.
Think about it. Now that the game creators took out the option of locking a Sim in a tiny room with a stove so they would burn, players had to get creative. Step one? Pull a Plague Inc. just for fun. Make the bitches squirm. Your Sims are already lonely? Too bad. If they near someone else, they die. Step two? Now that the Sims face emotional and emotional struggles and the player gave up on making their Sim genuinely happy, why not make them utterly miserable?
The Asian hornets were selected, but quickly cancelled. Same with most of your actually useful automatic actions. Do you walk into the living room and forget why? Have you ever suddenly forgotten a formula you’ve used multiple times before for no reason?
The gamers, man.
Don’t let the existential dread get to you. Eventually, the owner of the expansion pack may actually want to try out all the patches newly introduced (all the construction, of course), and they’ll stop screwing with all the students. For now, though, we’re all at the utter mercy of a half-asleep kid hunched over their keyboard with a blanket wrapped around them, paying half of their attention to the game, half to the anime playing on their other monitor.