Student upset that his performative moustache for Movember won’t be seen under his mask

“The only thing more frazzled than my pube-like ‘stache is me during this pandemic”

ILLUSTRATION: Johanna Jucutan / The Peak

By: Devana Petrovic, Staff Writer

It’s that time of the year again. Fellas of all shapes and sizes, of all hair colours and textures, of all Call of Duty usernames, it’s time for us to rise up and prove just how manly and masculine us men can be. No other month in the year is as socially accepting for men. No other month is as freeing for men to finally resist all the hatred in the world directed at them by dirtbags like Vogue that put a guy in a dress on the cover. 

It’s Movember, my dudes. 

Do you know how ridiculous society’s expectations for men to shave this small portion of his body is?! I wait for midnight to strike every year on October 31 — with only my closest 24 homies gathered for our Halloween party, of course — and we count down in our sexy cop outfits until the month of shaving liberation. 

The world awaits me and my Movember stubble. Alas, not this year. The apparently “mandatory” face masks doomed the world, depriving all females of laying eyes upon my rugged, handsome November face.

Now, who’s going to know that I pull off that five o’clock shadow AND that I spread awareness for Movember? No Nut November is such an important cause to me. . . or is Movember something about cancer? Doesn’t matter, anyways. Stupid masks!

All I can do now is angrily stomp everywhere and bang my fists against my archnemesis, drywall, like a real man. I thought this whole hoax would be over by the time it was lip warmer time — and I’m not just talking about my ‘stache.

I just truly care about helping people, and it is so hard for me to have that completely stripped from me. I have (sorta) done so much over the years with my ‘stache (I think?) for: charities, orphans, that person on the bus that one time who was wearing Crocs with socks, you name it. I don’t donate money or anything, but I think with my annual Movember involvement, I am doing more than enough. But what now?

As a big middle finger to this injustice, I’m wearing my mask as a hat on my forehead. That’ll show them! I get some stern looks every now and then for some reason — probably because everyone is jealous of how much I do for the starving children globally with my sultry ‘stache. 

I can take the criticism from the so-called feminists or whatever who see my strideful moustache walk and tell me to “put my mask on properly, please, we’re in the middle of a deadly pandemic.” Don’t they see how handsome I am? Are they forgetting how much I am giving back to the world with my facial hair’s presence? 

anAnyways, despite everything against me, I am persisting. Just me and my moustache against the world. We will get through this dreary, dark, man-hating period together, my furry facial friend.