By: Madeleine Chan, Opinions Editor

BURNABY, BC — SFU plans to cut its spending budget drastically by firing all teaching staff for the upcoming Spring 2021 semester in lieu of SFU President Joy Johnson’s supply of supposed “fat stacks.” 

The move is projected to increase income for SFU tenfold, but only cover a fraction of the president’s pay. 

Richard Bich, SFU’s official Money Person, stated in an interview with The Peak that this is not a “fix-all” solution, and that further cuts to SFU’s budget may just be necessary down the road. 

“Getting rid of all professors and TAs is the first step to guarantee that SFU’s president remains one of BC’s highest paid executives. It will also make sure that she remains as socially removed and unaware from the student body as her predecessor was,” noted Bich. 

“It will also ensure that Joy will be paid more than the Prime Minister of Canada,” continued Bich, a neck vein popping out. Indeed, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau receives a total pay of $359,800 per year, while it has been reported that SFU’s president receives $439,910 per year. 

When asked why this pay discrepancy exists, Bich explained that it “ensures SFU’s integrity as Canada’s engaged university” in the hopes that the institute can “keep up with the colonial power than the Canadian government exudes.”

In regards to the effect on education at SFU, Bich said that the removal of teaching staff will “have none.”

“Students are teaching themselves, anyway. Continuing to have instructors during remote learning was really just a way for us to say that we are delivering the same quality of education and charge accordingly, all while gaslighting our students.”

When asked about the employee change via a Peak representative’s laboured scream towards his window from his lawn, SFU student Bob Boberson popped his head out and stated: “I have professors? . . . Oh, you mean those tiny people who supposedly lead Zoom calls? I thought they were cardboard cutouts. Good to know that my tuition money actually went to someone who might care about my education. I know I sure don’t anymore.”

Regarding continued tuition increases, Bich said, “Oh, yeah. Those are still happening. It’s one of the things that keeps the president’s salary afloat, and that we can keep increasing no matter how many students object to it.”

Bich said that they are looking at getting rid of courses, the entire Surrey campus, and the remaining supply of campus soap during a viral pandemic next.

“These cuts would be necessary to keep Joy Johnson’s quality of life at a standard way above the average TikTok star.”

Joy Johnson declined to comment on the change, though we did hear the low-hum of a Tesla zooming away in the background of Bich’s call.