By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor

Dear SFU,

I know that with all those new stunning, only entirely gentrified cinder blocks you call your new Residence buildings are taking a toll on the wildlife and their habitats. But who can blame you? Supply and demand, baby. I know all about it. I learned it in that one ECON class I took before I realized there was basic math in it and dipped. I thought I could just wear a suit and call it a day.

Well, that aside, these animals really should have thought about SFU’s construction when their great-great-great (imagine I added a couple greats there. Animals bang like crazy) grandparents settled near a university. I mean, yeah, maybe the people building the university could have considered the reverse of that and built their uni away from a forested mountain providing a crucial area amongst a major city that already claimed much of their habitat. But anyways . . .

I was thinking — now, bear with me here (HA yeah you catch that one? Fist bump) — what if I make use of this absolute chick magnet tatted on my arm, my black and grey forest half sleeve, for the greater good? (The greatest good is getting that puss, but the greater good is doing things that help me get said puss.) I could maybe like, house them in here for a while until you guys are done absolutely obliterating their homes. Ladies love a guy who recycles. Imagine if I save a whole forest, bro. 

I could fit so many caribou in here. I even have a little moon tatted in the sky. The wolves would love that. (There are wolves around Burnaby Mountain, right? Doesn’t matter.) My bulging tendons would house it all.

Think of the Tinder opening lines I could make after they all move in. Picture something like, “I saved the deer on Burnaby campus, can I save you a seat on my face?” or maybe “these coyotes aren’t the only thing that’s packing.” The possibilities are endless.

Don’t worry about the technicalities of it all, man. I can move them in somehow. Things always seem to work out for me. Is it because I’m a straight man? Maybe. But that’s just how the cards fall. Now, it’s time for me to save Burnaby Mountain’s animals for the sake of making women fall for me. I have Mother Nature in mind. Really, I do.

What’s that saying? Reproduce, reuse, recycle? Yeah, something like that. I live by that shit.

Think about it. Can’t wait to hear back from you.

Your man,

Chadley Bradley, fourth-year Beedie student