Written by Paige Riding, News Writer

Aries: Is your love language “Acts of Service?” Or are you the only Aries on the face of the Earth who likes when their partner randomly compliments them instead of showing their affection in the form of cute little errands like bank robberies?

Taurus: You’re holding out for your cottagecore dream. You want it all: the pollinator-friendly plants, the jams and jellies, the hand-knitted quilts. But no one warns you about the Shrek-style outhouse you and your lover will have to use out in the middle of nowhere. Well, now somebody once told you.

Gemini: You look for love in all the wrong places. Yeah, you frequent dating apps or whatever, but I mean the really bad places: you find a really hot person following a person your uncle’s cousin’s grandson follows on Instagram, and then you accidentally like their photo from 2016. Nice job.

Cancer: You live in a state of longing. You want what you can’t have — at least, your wallowing self-pity makes you think that. This week, I invite you to look past your gloomy reflection to the person you can become: still sad, but maybe with a pet goldfish to keep you company.

Leo: Being drunk apparently makes you better at speaking another language. Slam down a few drinks, mix in your unwarranted self-confidence, and you’ll be bilingual in no time. Then you can whisper foreign sweet-nothings to Siri at four in the morning.

Virgo: You hate seeing your friends change personalities around their significant others. Just roll your eyes and participate in whatever source of escapism suits you this week. LARPs? Video games? Books? Maybe just staring at yourself in the black of your screen monitor wondering where you went wrong?

Libra: How many throwback R&B love songs will you listen to while you lie in bed questioning why Cupid has spared you all this time? Remember: if you don’t include some Usher in there, no DJ will have you falling in love.

Scorpio: Whoever is meant to be in your life will gravitate towards you. If you think it’s happened already, just know we all hate you. If it hasn’t, well, don’t feel too bad: even if the perfect person found you, adding the six-feet social distancing rule to your already intimidating presence isn’t a recipe for success, anyways.

Sagittarius: Sag, you can’t keep complaining that your loved ones are sucking the life right out of you. You’re the one who keeps handing them biodegradable straws. Get a hold of yourself. At least hand them a metal one that doesn’t get soggy in two minutes.

Capricorn: You may not be the most approachable. You may not be the most charming. You may not be the most relaxed. You may not be the best at flirting. You may not be the most kind-hearted. But.

Aquarius: The last time anything expressed their love for you was that one singing card you got. It had puppies on it and everything. And you did what you always do: when something opened up to you, your face curled in confusion and you tossed it away with no remorse.

Pisces: Love would find its toxic little way to you if you would actually talk to your crush instead of dreaming about them and calling that ‘making your move.’ Nobody can read your mind besides other Pisces, and you and I both know that that combination would be disastrous.