Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Recently, a Vancouver-based university graduate took to Facebook to describe his regrets about the life choices he pursued during his bachelor’s.

“I just graduated from SFU with honours, and after some heavy self-reflection, I know now that I have no passion for Head & Shoulders Anti Dandruff Shampoo and Conditioner,” says Linden Sightsieve, a recent alum. “I’ve thrown away nine years of my life washing my hair with liquid whitebread.”

According to Sightsieve, he kept using Head & Shoulders not because he truly enjoyed the product, but simply because it was easy for him.

“I’ve never had a hard time with hair, not like other people,” he shrugged, his blond curls dramatically falling and framing his forehead. “So I went for it. Part of me wanted to prove that I had what it takes to get through four years of Head & Shoulders, too.”

Now, however, Sightsieve feels “trapped” by his current shampoo brand.

“I’ve used so much of this bottle already, these past nine long years,” he sighed. “I might as well finish it, right?”

If he were given the chance to do things over, Sightsieve is unsure what he would have wanted to wash his hair with instead. However, he believes he would settle for anything that challenges his creativity while still cleansing his scalp of the stench of actually planning ahead for things.

Ultimately, Sightsieve offered some advice for anyone out there in his position, university students or otherwise.

“Don’t end up where I have, you guys,” he stressed. “Don’t waste your time building someone else’s vision of what a hair-care routine should look like. Don’t commit to a shampoo unless you’re truly invested in it. Just be your own inspiration, and love what you do. Also have enough generational wealth on your side to keep going to school indefinitely and, like, finding your shampoo self.”