Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

1. With whom else does your sleep paralysis demon spend his time?

     a) No one, he promised me he doesn’t even follow hot people on Instagram anymore

     b) His fellow spindly, many-eyed friends from the netherworld

2. Do you trust your sleep paralysis demon?

     a) Yes, although he still whispers all my secrets to my sleep-paralyzed neighbours

     b) I don’t trust anyone, that’s part of why he hangs around

3. Have you ever seen your sleep paralysis demon break social distancing rules?

     a) My eyes are closed when he’s here

     b) Sometimes he radiates evil energy at me from five feet away instead of six

4. Does your sleep paralysis demon share food and drink with people?

     a) He would absolutely never

     b) He and my toxic friendships both feed on my stress and fear

5. Would your sleep paralysis demon be open to making a pact with you to limit the growth of your shared bubble?

     a) Yes, we make new blood pacts every Thursday. It’s fun

     b) No, he’s kind of a free spirit

If you answered mostly “A” . . . you SHOULD add your sleep paralysis demon to your social bubble

Friends are important right now. You need to open your heart to those few you can believe in — and nothing screams believing in someone like manifesting them physically from the depths of your psyche.

If you answered mostly “B” . . . you SHOULD NOT add your sleep paralysis demon to your social bubble

Demons can breathe COVID-19 onto you, too. Wake up, sheeple — literally.