CONFESSIONALS: I matched with the SFU Avocado

It’s not as guac-ward as you might think

Marissa Ouyang

Written by AvocadoLover69, SFU Student

Disclaimer: The events and people in this story are (well, mostly) real. Names and places have been changed in order to protect these individuals’ identities. 

It was just another night of aimlessly scrolling through Tinder when I found them. The second I saw their profile, I was hooked. Holy Guacamole, they were hot, I mean, you should have seen those curves. Well . . . I guess it’s just one curve that goes all the way around.

I couldn’t help myself. Before I knew it, I had swiped right and matched with the SFU Avocado.

I’d seen them on campus a couple of times. Never thought much of them. But seeing them on this dating app with these sexy pictures really made me reconsider. It was like when the nerdy girl takes her glasses off in the movies and is all-of-a-sudden hot.

Right when I was trying to figure out what to say first, they messaged me. “UWU HEY BBY WANNA GET FREAKY IN THE AQ tonight.” 

It felt like they were speaking to my soul. I’d never had such a strong connection with someone so quickly — until now. Everyone on Tinder is just looking for hook-ups, but the avocado was different. I knew exactly how to respond. 

“OH GUAC YEAH *moaning emojis go here* MASH ME UP REAL GOOD.”

I don’t know if it’s too soon to say . . . but I can already picture our wedding. Crazy how you can know someone for such a short amount of time and already know you want to spend the rest of your life with them. I’m thinking we could hold it on the beach, or maybe in a field somewhere, but honestly, I don’t care where we do it. What matters is that they are all I avo wanted.

Tonight we will be meeting in person for the first time. My friends told me not to go, saying “dude how are you going to fuck a statue.” But what they don’t understand is that I’m not just going to fuck this statue; I’m going to commit to this statue, the way my last girlfriend never cado, yeah that’s right Lauren fuck you.

Some people spend their whole lives looking for love. Me? Well, I found the avocado statue on Tinder. So kinkshame me all you want, but I’m about to go and make some thick-ass guacamole.