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SFSS election debate held in freezing outdoors to keep cold-hearted students refrigerated

Humour

Candidates and the audience alike barely retained their chill

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Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Tens of students gathered in Convocation Mall on Wednesday afternoon to shiver in the cold as candidates raced to capture our attention in the annual SFSS Board of Directors’ election debates. But while our bodies suffered, our hearts and souls thrived — all as per event parameters. According to the Independent Electoral Commissioner (IEC), the chief consideration in choosing the debate venue was whether candidates and attendees alike would be subjected to enough wind chill to refrigerate their cold hearts.

The average SFU student’s ideal temperature is about 5 C, says recent research cited by the IEC. Higher than that, and colour, joy, and life starts to return to their features and persona. This tends to end in overstimulation both for the warmed student and for students around them who witness the change.

SEE MORE: “First-years deprived of icebreakers after climate change melts all remaining ice”

The attempt to refrigerate students was about half-successful. While spectators did rude things like clump around the few heat sources in the area and eat all the baby potatoes provided by catering, they also expressed warmth at times. Many students clapped and cheered at multiple points in the debate — in spite of potential onsets of hypothermia.

“Maybe students are now freezing to death out in the cold while surrounded by enormous, empty, well-insulated buildings,” said an SFSS staff representative. “But the refrigerative effect is worth it. Trust me: so worth it.” 

The Peak could not confirm allegations from a few discontented students in the crowd that the 2019–20 SFSS Board of Directors were “still rotten after being left out too long during last year’s debate.”

The IEC chief, whose name nobody really knows despite the election period starting ages ago, told The Peak in an email interview that the outdoor debates were one of many changes they were bringing to the position. They cited the “refreshing” and “preservative” qualities of cold.

SEE MORE: “SFSS hires this year’s IEC chief, a loaf of banana chocolate chip bread”

On Thursday, Peak humour editor Zach Siddiqui submitted a motion to The Peak Publications Society’s Board of Directors to provide all Peak senior editors with Snuggies as essential personnel equipment for surviving “inhumane joking conditions.”

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society