SFU embraces full open-concept design by expelling all its students

The university informed students of its plans to Marie Kondo itself on New Year’s Day

Written by Lubaba Mahmud, Staff Writer

While SFU is already known worldwide for its exceptional architecture, the university has decided to update its interior design for a new year by completely embracing open-concept design. To declutter its buildings in pursuit of this goal, SFU has committed to expelling all of its students, “effective immediately.”

On January 13, SFU students received the following email.

A totally, definitely, absolutely real email from SFU, telling students to “get the fuck out,” or something.

The defining characteristic of open-concept designs is neat, decluttered areas which gives the illusion of more space. Other open-concept design choices visible around campus include use of negative space, natural light (sometimes), and the fact that literally everything is grey.

As swarms of bustling students invaded the Convocation Mall and the Academic Quadrangle despite their strategically placed uncomfortable seating, SFU realized that students were “cluttering [its] vibrant space” and they needed to GTFO 

While some students were confused and infuriated by the news, many also saw this as an excuse to get out of SFU. 

“I guess SFU took the whole ‘leaving toxic people behind in 2019’ thing too seriously,” said Matilda Smith, former third-year chemistry student. “At least I won’t have to climb up this dreary mountain anymore.” 

“I’m not even mad,” said James Lee, former second-year anthropology student. “This is like the ultimate real-life meme. You be you, SFU.”

The Peak would normally promise to continue investigating this story, and to provide more news as the story develops. But we can’t, because SFU has already kicked us off all three campuses. Go figure.