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Leaked transcript: a hostage negotiation with a stupidly rich man

Humour

De-escalating conflict with the privileged proves, as usual, dicey . . .

Humour
Humour
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Written by Rodolfo Boskovic, SFU Student

DIAL TONE. 

A PHONE IS PICKED UP OFF THE RECEIVER.

???: Who is this!? Listen! I’m holding a lit match and five litres of gasoline and I’m not afraid to use’em!

FBI NEGOTIATOR: Sir, I understand you are stressed. This is a difficult situation. We just want you to understand that we’re here to help in whatever way we can. We just want the release of the hostages without any harm.

???: I don’t need your help! I’m a self-made man! I drank baby formula as a baby so my mother wouldn’t think I owed her anything!

FBI NEGOTIATOR: No offense was intended—

???: Offended!? I’m not some snowflake!

FBI NEGOTIATOR: Of course, but then why keep the hostages, sir?

???: I have a right, don’t I? I made them. I kept them down here safe in my bunker for years! Far from creeps like you! Who are you, or anybody, to tell me what I can and can’t do?

FBI NEGOTIATOR: Sir, please, think this through. Wouldn’t you want what’s best for them?

???: You people just want to take them away! All to some freaking charities or needy orphanages somewhere. I’m not having it! They’re gonna burn up with me!

FBI NEGOTIATOR: Think of your children, sir. They deserve better than this.

???: Children? What children? Those bums never worked a day in their lives! I’m not leaving a cent for them. They were always eyeing my Swiss bunker! Trying to get at my fortune!

FBI NEGOTIATOR: I’m sorry, sir. Who exactly do you have as a hostage, then?

???: My money, boy! I’m burning down my millions before you health-care lovers get to it. Taxes are a sin!

A PHONE IS PLACED BACK ON THE RECEIVER.

???: Hello? Are you listening? I won’t be ignored anymo—

A LIT MATCH IS DROPPED. 

???: Oh.

THE LINE GOES DEAD.

 

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society