Written by Nathaniel Tok, Peak Associate
Assistant professor Michael McManfred, a recent hire for the Department of Legal, Ethical, and General Investigative Technology (LEGIT), has been censured by the university for destroying the well-being of his first year LEGIT 105 students. Reportedly, the LEGIT professor’s tyranny started after several of his students accidentally called him “Professor McManfred,” instead of “Mike,” as he had so benevolently urged them to do at the start of the year.
According to Parker Anders, one of McManfred’s TAs, the problem started last Monday — the day of the midterm. As volleys of students sent desperate emails in the early 11:46 a.m. hours of the morning, begging to know “what to expect” from the exam, McManfred was “unnerved and hurt” that some of them had addressed him by his formal title.
Later, McManfred allegedly called all of his TAs into his office. Anders described the room as “decked out like a war movie,” complete with blown-up maps of Saywell Hall on the walls and miniatures of students haphazardly scattered across the tables.
“It was . . . super frightening,” Anders continued. “He pulled up the midterm on Google Docs and started rewriting all the questions, all while gesturing at his maps and ranting about how the first years were conspiring to make him feel uncool, unloved, and much too respected.”
Anders also produced a copy of the revised exam, whose questions included “Describe in 4–5 sentences why you aren’t obsessed with Mike” and “Why does Mike deserve a 5/5 for all three categories on Rate My Prof? Explain in 1,000 words or more.”
The LEGIT 105 students, meanwhile, were mostly confused about McManfred’s reaction.
“Well, he never records his lectures ‘cos he wants us to come to class to get to know him in person — as if anyone is going to walk all the way to Blusson Hall,” explained Reema Eternal, one of McManfred’s LEGIT 105 students. “So I never found out he wants us to call him Mike.
“What’s the big deal, anyway? I thought the whole and entire reason people got PhDs was so that everyone else has to call them ‘Doctor.’”
In an interview with McManfred in his hidden lab in the depths of Robert C. Brown, he explained that after meeting with his TAs, he had taken a couple of days to reflect on the situation.
“I lied in bed for a while listening to Selena Gomez’s Revival (2015) on repeat while ugly-heaving,” says McManfred. “And I was really struck by that one song, ‘Kill Em with Kindness.’
“I realized then that the only way to love my students, guarantee their success, and earn love from them in return was, in fact, to kill them — academically.”
Appropriately for this revelation, McManfred outlined his new plan to destroy his students, Codename: TOUGH LOVE.
1. “Emails sent past 3 p.m. on weekdays, or any time on weekends, will be ignored. My unspoken rejection will break the students’ hearts, and then they’ll have to take those evenings and weekends off to relax and not think about school.”
2. “Assignment requirements will be extremely vague. By denying the class all semblance of guidance or fair evaluation, I can assertively encourage them to think creatively and liberate themselves from arbitrary boundaries!”
3. “All grades will be scaled to a C-. Near-failure will encourage students to try their hardest; that’s when they will learn the most!”
“That will teach them to think before referring to me as if I were my father,” McManfred concluded, “especially when they won’t even treat me like the cool dad.”