Illustrated by:Momo Lin
The SFU Snap app everyone downloads as first-years is great, but what if we had a newer version that connected to Wi-Fi even less often?
The “Construction Fence Labyrinth” game: This awesome game allows students to show off our creativity by designing new labyrinths for construction fences in Convocation Mall! All you have to do after clicking on the game is drag virtual fence sections and position them however you want on a grid that represents the Burnaby campus. And the best part? Your finished design is automatically entered into the running to win a daily contest afterwards! Whichever person’s design determined as the best one will be shown to the construction workers so they can actually use it for a day!
The “Better Enrolment Date” counter: This is a running counter that shows every single student who has a better enrolment date than you. It’s a reminder of how all the good courses are being filled up by those lucky stiffs while you’re very angrily waiting for your time to arrive.
The “Help” feature: A standard “help” feature that has McFogg the dog as an icon. It’s essentially the office assistant “Clippy” from Microsoft, but instead of helping, it gives you esoteric platitudes fit for your academic life. Such as “the darkness in you heart does not wallow underneath the gleaming quality of water fountains,” or “The wisdom you bring into the world will be squandered in court.”
The “Dirty Bathrooms” tracker: This one gives workers at SFU a comment platform where they can describe in excruciating detail how disgusting the bathrooms are. If there are puddles of God-knows-what on the floor or disturbing garbage they’ve found, this is the place to find out! The feature does not allow the workers to notify when the washrooms have actually been cleaned, because a built-in algorithm prevents people from engaging in any communication that positively contributes to students’ quality of life by deleting said communication right away. So, in the end, it truly enhances the experience of knowing already that we’re walking into a john with unflushed toilets or of being welcomed with nasty smells, now that people are completely aware of all the other nauseating things in said johns.
The “No Studying Area” feature: During busy times of the school year like midterms or finals, sometimes it’s not easy to find a place to study or eat. This feature is a large collection of photos taken over the years, showing a bird’s-eye view of all the study areas entirely taken up.
