Written by: Dhruv Taware, Peak Associate

Three scrolls for the professors under the sky,

Seven for the ever-present construction workers in their halls of stone,

Nine for Mortal Students, doomed to die,

One for the Dark Lord, Academic Advisor, on their dark throne.

In the Land of the AQ where the desperate Students lie.

One scroll to rule them all (course selections),

One scroll to find them (goSFU),

One scroll to bring them all and in the darkness bind them (graduation)

In the Land of the AQ where the desperate Students lie.

Ancient history tells of the year 1965, when the most powerful force on this planet emerged from a cold concrete structure atop a lonely mountain in Burnaby. Neither good nor evil, it is a force strong enough to completely control goSFU, making possible what every SFU student can only dream about: getting  an early enrolment date or even dropping PHIL110W after realizing how difficult it is.

These are the powers of the mysterious Academic Advisor, eternal god of goSFU, but getting to an Advisor was thought impossible. However, there is a myth of a scroll which explains the ritual one would need to perform to summon this dark master.

After weeks of searching for the scroll, I finally found it in a secret compartment in the infamous AQ Avocado. It was a frail old piece of paper with three instructions,

Gather these ingredients three and set yourself FREE from the shackles of goSFU.

• A clipping of McFogg the Dog’s hair, representing the importance of SFU’s sports. Finding McFogg is very difficult as he shows up only when SFU Clan is winning, but if you show up at the Terry Fox Field with a large bowl of haggis, he will come running.

• Debris from the Student Union Building, symbolizing the eternal struggle between SFU students and construction sites.

• Your transcripts from high school, for no matter how far away you get from your past, a record of it will still haunt you.

Once I had all the ingredients, I went back to the AQ Avocado and put them there. That was followed by large drill noises, and from a cloud of concrete and asbestos, emerged a giant being wearing a kilt. It was difficult to look at their face amidst the asphyxiating dust, but that didn’t matter because I knew I had summoned the Great Advisor! I was going to get into the classes I wanted, instead of going to the first lecture and begging the professor to let me in and have a weird social/academic pressure to do well in that class! A miracle!

There are unforeseen dangers in summoning the Academic Advisor. First, they speak only in riddles. And, if the Academic Advisor is angered, your goSFU experience will “then” turn into hell.

You will have to enrol during OPEN ADMISSIONS; the wasteland where mortal students’ dreams die.