Written by: Mishaa Khan, Peak Associate
Illustration by: Tiffany Chan
Roomeo: Welcome to the 500th episode of Roommate Court! I am your host, Roomeo! Today, Hannah Optimisticstein is suing her ex-roommate Max Synic for threatening to kill her . . . with ketchup?! Let’s see what the roommates have to say! So, Hannah, what evidence do you have for Max planning a murder of her rental friend?
Hannah: I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS DAY FOR A LONG TIME. Okay, so, Max here is a psycho-roommate. Psycho, I tell you! She leaves messages for me in our bathroom using her wet hair strands from the shower, and once Max left a doll covered in ketchup in my bedroom! Ketchup that I PAID FOR!
Roomeo: OH HO, that’s spicy stuff! Do you have anything to counter that, Max?
Max: I only leave messages because you literally ignore me whenever I try talking to you so I have NO OTHER option. Also, she’s calling me a psycho-roommate? She’s the one who is CRAZY! She never does any of the housework and she coloured all my assignments with yellow and pink highlighter. Her paranoia is so off the charts that one time, fearing that someone would break into our house, she smeared honey all over the floor so an “intruder” would slip.
Hannah: Oh my god, chill, Max. I was just trying to brighten up your dull, boring existence. My quirks are the only interesting thing in your life and you know it, so, you’re welcome!
Max: Seriously?! What about your booby traps? You made a huge mess for nothing and did not even bother cleaning it up!
Hannah: No one broke into our house. The traps are why you’re still alive! Really, you should be thanking me. And sorry — wait — what? Couldn’t hear the last bit, you’re cutting out.
Max: WE’RE STANDING RIGHT ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER! You see what I mean, ladies and gentle-roommates of the jury? She pretends not to hear me whenever I tell her to do her share of the work.
Roomeo: Max, what do you have to say about the doll covered with ketchup?
Max: I knew it would send the message that she never cleans up! Because the doll is STILL disgustingly sitting in her room!
Hannah: … I named her Murdered Moira. Can’t help it, I’m an empath and got attached.
Roomeo: Alright well there you have it folks! We’ve heard both arguments. Let’s let the judge decide who will be placed in roommate prison, a room crafted to suit the crimes committed by the roommate.
Judge Evicto: The judges have decided to incarcerate Max on the grounds of being marginally more atrocious for five days in roommate prison. The walls of the room will have “Bad Rooommate” scrawled on them in ketchup and smiley faces plastered on them with wet hair strands.
Tune in next week when we hear the grievances of a boy whose roommate promised that his drifter cousin would “only be on the couch for one night!”