Why we broke up; I am not a Bernese mountain dog.

A comprehensive list for a failed relationship

Photo curtesy of Flickr

Written by: Simrin Purhar

Dear Eric,

If you’re reading this note it’s because I’ve left you.

Despite me moving on and dating your brother’s fiancée’s nephew (who plays in a locally renowned indie band with his high-school buddies), I still love you. But please do not mistake that for me being in love with you — because I am not.

And because I still love you (but am not in love with you) I thought I’d disclose the honest reasons as to why I broke up with you:

  1. You told me to “just relax” when I got pissed that you corrected my Facebook friend’s grammar in her #MeToo post.
  2. I read in your journal that your dream girl is a slender 5’10” blonde who’s majoring in gender studies. Fuck you.
  3. You have the same disturbing amount of patience that a middle school music teacher has. The kind of teacher that teaches students how to play “Over The Rainbow” on a ukulele semester after semester after semester after semester. I think you’re a sociopath.  
  4. I witnessed you cry yourself to sleep when you watched 30 Rock for the first time… after realizing it wasn’t a geology documentary that aired on BBC, because you couldn’t impress your friends with your documentary-watching.
  5. I’ve heard you say to three separate males that you thought they had Willem Dafoe-ish energy.
  6. You tried to make the catch phrase “You just got Willem Dafoe’d!” your thing, without ever explaining what being Willem Dafoe’d even meant.
  7. You told me that you once went to a frat party, called the police, and then told everyone at the party that you heard the police were coming just so you could look like the hero.
  8. You make your “famous” salmon burgers with canned, no-name brand salmon but mock people who make avocado toast.
  9. You stroked my hair with the vigour one should use only on their Bernese mountain dog’s severely tangled fur.
  10. The password to all your accounts is “no-password-needed-just-walk-right-in.”

Sincerest Regards,

Your brother’s fiancee’s nephew’s new girlfriend (also your ex-girlfriend)