Dear Eric,
If you’re reading this note it’s because I’ve left you.
Despite me moving on and dating your brother’s fiancée’s nephew (who plays in a locally renowned indie band with his high-school buddies), I still love you. But please do not mistake that for me being in love with you — because I am not.
And because I still love you (but am not in love with you) I thought I’d disclose the honest reasons as to why I broke up with you:
- You told me to “just relax” when I got pissed that you corrected my Facebook friend’s grammar in her #MeToo post.
- I read in your journal that your dream girl is a slender 5’10” blonde who’s majoring in gender studies. Fuck you.
- You have the same disturbing amount of patience that a middle school music teacher has. The kind of teacher that teaches students how to play “Over The Rainbow” on a ukulele semester after semester after semester after semester. I think you’re a sociopath.
- I witnessed you cry yourself to sleep when you watched 30 Rock for the first time… after realizing it wasn’t a geology documentary that aired on BBC, because you couldn’t impress your friends with your documentary-watching.
- I’ve heard you say to three separate males that you thought they had Willem Dafoe-ish energy.
- You tried to make the catch phrase “You just got Willem Dafoe’d!” your thing, without ever explaining what being Willem Dafoe’d even meant.
- You told me that you once went to a frat party, called the police, and then told everyone at the party that you heard the police were coming just so you could look like the hero.
- You make your “famous” salmon burgers with canned, no-name brand salmon but mock people who make avocado toast.
- You stroked my hair with the vigour one should use only on their Bernese mountain dog’s severely tangled fur.
- The password to all your accounts is “no-password-needed-just-walk-right-in.”
Sincerest Regards,
Your brother’s fiancee’s nephew’s new girlfriend (also your ex-girlfriend)
