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Thank you notes from the ungrateful

Humour

From the brat you can't be

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Photo curtesy of Samaa

Written by: Simrin Purhar, Peak Associate

Dear Student at the Booth in the Hall,

Thanks for trying to sell me baked goods in-between classes, in an effort to raise money for [insert generic charity name here]. I had just walked by Guadalupe and thought to myself that this school has too many fresh lunch options. How did you know I was more in the mood for stale, store-bought mini-cupcakes with hardened icing and a base that tastes the way I assume sawdust does?

Dear School Acquaintance who just got back from Exchange,

Thank you for overestimating my interest in your time abroad. Especially, thank you for correctly reading my tone and body language when I said “oh my god, there’s more” after you informed me that the first 204 photos were only from that single weekend you spent in Athens, and you had about 4,000+ more to show me.

Dear Grandma Karen,

Thank you for the homemade “one free hug” vouchers. Don’t worry, I didn’t miss the inscribed stipulation that states they’re redeemable only from you. I’m always thinking to myself how difficult it is to con grandmothers out of hugs, so your gift sure solves that predicament for me!

Dear Aunt Penny,

Thank you for the necklace with the Cross and Virgin Mary pendants. On an unrelated note, now seems like a good time to remind you I’m from the Jewish side of your family and you’re invited to Yom Kippur dinner next week.

Dear Cousin Carter,

Thanks for bringing back those shot glasses from Vegas for me. I was just telling Mom that I was looking for the perfect accessory to facilitate my relapse, after being sober for seven years.

Dear Nephew Donny,

I cannot thank you enough for the keychain flashlight. The practicality packed within such a small item is mindblowing! If I’m ever in a power outage, my phone is dead, no one else with a phone flashlight is around, and I have the inkling to see up to four centimetres in front of me this flashlight will sure come in handy.

Dear Great Aunt Tanya,

Thank you so much for the My Aunt Went To Cancun And All I Got Was This T-Shirt shirt. I was just telling Mom I needed a new top to sleep in when I have my period.

Dear Second-Cousin Cassie,

Thank you for the reusable metal straw you gave me. I was just thinking how the presence of a metal tube that I can carry to work from home, and back home from work was missing from my life. Oh! And the responsibility of washing it after every use. Taking care of it has convinced me I’m far less prepared for actual motherhood than I originally thought I was.

 

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society