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Resolving through university

Humour

Setting realistic goals through university

Peak Web
Peak Web
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First-years:

  • I will plan out my whole degree this year and stick to it, so I can finish in four years.
  • I will maintain a CGPA of 3.5 or higher by keeping up with lecture material and studying for exams two weeks in advance.
  • I will stay away from coffee to prevent a caffeine addiction. Instead, I will rely on having a consistent sleeping schedule to ensure my biological clock stays in sync, ensuring I have enough energy for the day.
  • I will maintain a healthy balance in my life by working out three times a week, hanging out with friends once a week, eating three different vegetables for each meal, and sleeping nine hours each night.

Second-years:

  • I will play an active role in two clubs that I’m interested in to enhance my resume and make more friends!
  • I will manage my time better by restricting myself to watching Netflix only on weekends and plan out the steps to finish a big assignment ahead of time.
  • I will rely only on coffee and tea as my sources of caffeine.
  • I will stop stress-eating carbs and drinking pop so I can lose the 15 pounds I gained in my freshman year.

Third-years:

  • I will turn in all my assignments on time even if it means drinking five cans of Red Bull to stay up all night binge-watching Netflix while frantically trying to finish my work.
  • I will pretend to be interested in what my professors research so I can obtain references for grad school and volunteer in their labs.   
  • I will take one GPA-booster course each semester so I can increase my 2.0 GPA and get an earlier enrolment date to take classes I actually need for graduation.

Fourth-years:

  • I will finish my degree in the next two years by taking more than three classes a semester.
  • I will narrow down my list of things I don’t want to do in life and pick the one which I hate the least as a career option.  
  • I will limit my meltdowns to two a day on regular school days and four a day during exam season.  
  • I will not break down every single time I ask my instructor for an extension on an assignment they assigned at the beginning of the semester.  

Fifth-years:

  • I will figure out which grad schools and programs I want to apply for because I cannot decide a career option and no employers are interested in hiring me.
  • I will sleep at least four hours a day so I can stop having hallucinations about bloodthirsty assignments. Must preserve sanity.
  • I will start a club which will quickly become inactive, just so I can have more than two things to list on my resume.  
  • I will avoid socializing at all costs by running away when someone I know approaches me.

Sixth-years:

  • I won’t keep a resolution cause I haven’t met any of my goals the past five years since resolutions are a waste of time. I will watch Netflix instead.
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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society