The best dirty talk to set the mood

Illustrated by Reslus

Written by: Hannah Davis

Hey you! Yes you! Tired of having super boring sex all the time? Tried all the conventional ways to spice things up, like straps, snacks, and an eclectic assortment of literal spices sprinkled across the bedspread? Read on, friend, and I will teach you the best dirty talk to improve every one of your mediocre sexytime rendezvous. Use these lines at any point during a special soiree, and I promise they will definitely change the pace and tone of your evening.

Tips and Lines for Foreplay

-Ask a lot of questions, almost incessantly. They can be related to what you are about to do with the person, or not related at all. Everyone knows that curiosity is an aphrodisiac.

-Make some cute nicknames for all your body parts, and then use them in sentences to reference what you want to do to your lover/what you want your lover to do to you. For example: “I want to run my fingies all over your bod bod,” “I want you to grab my boobie woobies,” and “my bum bum is yours tonight.”

-Use a foreplay technique called the burrito. Wrap yourself up tight in the sheets (burrito style) and say this to your partner: “I am the sexiest burrito in the room.” The sheets wrapped tightly around your entire body will add an aura of mystery to your pre-sex adventures, and will only make your lover want to see what’s underneath. To make things hotter, cover your naked body in actual burrito toppings for when your partner unwraps you. Nothing is sexier than body-temperature cheese and beans. While they unwrap you softly chant: “I’m a sexy, sexy snack.”

Tips and Lines for During Sex

-Does your partner love to feel “dirty” and “bad” when having sex? Try talking about some generally dirty things, like stray animals and hospital floors. You could even compare your partner to any of these nasty things you bring up, to make them feel extra gross in a truly sexy way. Comments such as “You’re so dirty, your hair feels greasy” are always a welcome addition.

-Rhyming is a real turn-on for everyone, even if they do not know it. Everytime your partner says something like “yes,” or “keep going” just respond with “chess,” and “jeep towing.”

-“I am hungrier for you than that seagull I saw earlier was for the dead fish it was fighting another seagull for.”

-Freestyle rap the whole time.

-Sing “Yo, Ho! Yo, Ho! A Pirate’s Life for Me” from beginning to end.

Tips and Lines for After Sex

The dirty talk doesn’t even have to stop when the hot, steamy sex is over. Try these lines:

-“Hey baby, want to join me in the shower? I don’t want to get a UTI so I am going to rinse off down there. At the same time, I will also be enjoying some cranberry juice.”

-“That sex was so good I can’t even remember your name.”

-Talk about how you can’t wait to tell your family about your encounter. People love knowing that their sex was appreciated and enjoyed by the other party. What better way to show them you enjoyed yourself than by running home to tell your family about it?

-“That’s all, folks!”

In conclusion, may you find love and get some ass, all thanks to these sexy lines for your sexytimes.