Summer Co-op: Maze Builders needed

Illustrated by Phoebe Joy Lim

By: Jonathan Pabico

Do you like mazes? Do you enjoy students losing their minds walking in our maze of a school? If you’ve said yes to both these questions, this job is for you!

As an SFU Maze Builder, your job is to give SFU students the worst experience they’ve ever had. You will madly create a maze on campus that changes its structure as students walk within it. The maze must frustrate students, misleading them into the school’s many construction sites. These sites’ maze-like properties will further unhinge students’ sanity and make them question the reality of academia. The maze must include many elaborate traps, such as elective darts, tuition spears, and waitlist spikes. It will take three semesters to complete, leaving no time for fun, friends, or family. Just like university students, you’ll be expected to work as a sad, forgotten hermit with no bright or happy future ahead of you.

Requirements for the Job:

  • Must have read James Dashner’s The Maze Runner and watched Christopher Nolan’s Inception
  • Must have taken Maze Building 101 (MazeB 101) at any SFU campus (distance education doesn’t count)
  • Must be at least as evil as three-hour classes without breaks
  • Must have an ego the size of midterm anxieties
  • Must have a pitiful CGPA of negative 2.75 to qualify
  • Must be uncertain about plans after graduation while planning out the maze
  • Must be stressed out by final paper deadlines while building the maze
  • Must be capable of successfully navigating RCB Hall

Perks of the Job:

  • Because of you, students will have an existential crisis about the meaning of walking
  • Because of you, students will have the most demoralizing university experience ever
  • Students will hate you for making their lives more difficult

Salary:

$40,000 shall be awarded for each lost and frustrated student that gets late for class in the school maze. However, you will be held back a year for every student that solves the maze.

Recommendation:

It is highly recommended that you speak with a maze building advisor before you take this job. The job has no breaks, no life insurance, and no lunch hours. You will be tired. You will be stressed. You will be hungry. Your supervisor will NOT compensate you. Any takers?

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