By: Aaron Richardson

Hate the effort of getting out of bed to go to your exam?

Can’t be bothered to write your essay?

If you’re suffering from these problems, this is the business for you! When you’re too lazy to do your homework, that’s where we come in. When you hire us, we’ll get another student to do your work for you. While it is “technically plagiarism,” we try to ignore that kind of slander. Our service is also different from the many services you see on and around campus offering low-quality plagiarism.

While these other services promise to get you an A on your essays and papers, we make no such promises. We make the promise to replicate your efforts exactly. We’ll put the same minuscule amount of effort into your grade that you would have yourself. Instead of getting you an A, we’ll get you a C, or maybe even a B-: just like you would have if you had done it yourself, you lazy fuck.

We all hate writing papers. The worst part about writing a paper is that even though you know you’re going to get a C, you’ve got to do it anyways. Instead of wasting your time to get such a shit grade, give us a call, and we’ll get that shit grade for you. We have a crack team of students ready and willing to fail exactly as badly as you would have already done yourself, but who are willing to do it for you.

If you decide to hire us, just give us 48 hours’ notice, and we’ll get one of our team on the job. Once you give us a call, you can rest and just leave the rest to us. We’ll spend the time leading up to your exam or essay exactly as you would have yourself: doing jack shit until it’s too late to even try.

Our team are experts in:

• Binge watching Netflix until 3 a.m.
• Rewriting the first sentence of their papers 15 times before even starting the second sentence
• Depriving themselves of a whole hour of sleep by setting an alarm every five minutes and only getting up on the last one because they were too lazy to get out of bed when they originally told themselves they would.
• Shambling onto the bus in a state that is neither awake, asleep, nor both only to arrive on campus 30 minutes late for their exam just to bomb it anyways.
• Literally not even studying

We promise that our team will do exactly as you would, but they’ll be getting paid for it.