A list of things I will accept in my trick-or-treat bag

By:  Alannah Wallace

It’s Halloween! You know what that means — all of our dentists are sitting on the edge of their chairs ready to shake their finger, accuse us of not flossing, and hand out bills for those five new cavities we are all bound to get after that one full night of a glorious sugar high. Instead of disappointing our dentists again, here are a few alternative treats for your trick-or-treat bag.

1. Avocado toast
   
   Let’s all just forget for a second that avocado tastes like nothing. If you’re going to eat fat, it should be healthy fat from avocados! Plus they are chock full of vitamin K. Candy is just a quick fix for lazy people who have no appreciation for the art of food preparation. Why don’t you put some time into real cooking and prepare yourself a healthier snack like avocado toast?                                    29                            
2. Lactose-free probiotic yogurt                                                                                                                                     
   If you eat probiotic yogurt while you’re also lactose intolerant . . . do you poop good or poop bad? It’s confusing. Enough with that noise though, lactose-free probiotic yogurt sounds like the very picture of gut health. Remember folks, it’s Halloween but that doesn’t mean you should forget about your bowels!
3. Nutritional yeast                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             You’re going to need a hearty snack after running from door to door all night collecting your goodies. Should you eat stringy, gooey, and cheesy food like pizza? Uck, no. Why eat that when you can eat dry flakes that taste like dusty cheese farts? The best thing about this food item is that it has a cute nickname — all the cool kids who live in Whole Foods call it “nooch.”
4. Açaí                                                                                                                                                                                                   
   First things first, don’t pronounce is “ah-kye” like I did for three months; it’s “ah-sye” and make sure to correct everyone who says it wrong. You’ll get tossed out of your super exclusive Bikram yoga class in a hot second if you make this fatal mistake! Açaí is also the perfect Instagrammable food. Try putting it in a smoothie bowl!
5. Raw pepper slices                                                                                                                                                               
   Does anyone actually enjoy this? I wish I was someone who felt like this snack was even remotely OK to put in my mouth. Even though I have to plug my nose while eating this snack, at least I will still fit in my size four yoga pants.
6. A soul                                                                                                                                                                         
   There better be a soul in that bag, too! Because let’s be honest, anyone who is too good for a huge bag of free candy must not have a soul — or the ability to feel joy.