Spaghetti

At first, everything looks fine. The spaghetti relationship features meatballs prominently, and it’s just a slippery and fun go-to meal. This relationship is a total crowd-pleaser and seems like a no-brainer, but it can get a little boring. Seriously, just because you live alone and always make way too much pasta doesn’t mean you don’t deserve better than that. Consider the flavour depth of your relationship, and whether or not you are really satisfied — or just too lazy to cook.

Soup

You’re on the right track: a relationship should be comforting, warm, and reliable. You should always know what to expect from the other person, and there should be enough variety in there to keep things new and interesting. However, consider the sustenance of your relationship. What are the bases of your relationship? What do you two have in common? Do you really want the same things? In the long run, will this keep you satisfied?  

Salad
A good relationship should be healthy for you. You should feel safe, fulfilled, content, and happy. These things are all non-negotiable. But . . . don’t be too much of a salad. You also need a little bit of fun in a relationship, to keep you going when things get hard. Does your salad have cheese or a cool dressing or an unusual fruit in it? There should be at least one type of nut to keep things fresh.

Quiche

What the fuck is a quiche? Some kind of egg shit? You saw it on Pinterest and tried to look fancy by pinning the recipe and then praying that you could pull it off in front of your roommate. That’s cool and all, but do you know where your relationship is going? Do you know the person you’re with, or are they still a mystery to you? It’s important to be down to earth and real to each other.

Cupcake

You can be a cupcake for a month, max. After that, it’s time to lay off the pet names and remember each other’s names —  so stop trying to taste the other person’s last meal every few minutes and get back to earth. Sweet, fluffy cupcakes are a nice treat, but ultimately if you only eat icing and sprinkles you will die. Trust me, this is science. Your relationship needs to be real. You need to fight and disagree and tease each other and live your own lives, or else your perfect couple is only going to be able to stay perfect until it’s dropped icing-first onto the cold, hard ground.  

Taco

You, my friend, are lucking out. The taco relationship is perfectly tailored to your needs and desires, meaning that you are one happy little bugger. Do you stay away from red meat? Boom, have some chicken tacos. Pescatarian? Fish tacos.  Vegetarian? Sautée some spinach and put some in a tortilla, how about that? And they are all delicious. You should wake up every day craving your significant other like, let’s face it, you crave tacos at every waking moment. In an ideal world, all your human interactions would be this delicious and leave you just as satisfied and fulfilled — and guacamole would not cost extra.