How to take a good nude

If you are a heterosexual male who says “No homo, bro,” after bestowing your friend with some love, I prohibit you from reading further; you are also the same individual who would say, “Netflix and chill?” to anything that moves. If you are a human being with a mind as wide as the ocean, in the next few hundred words you will find the sacred text of performing a ritual that is desired by everyone, perfected by none — a Bare Flesh guide.

For any nude selfie, first and foremost, you must undress. It’s important that you do this with diligence, because you have the body of a goddess. Remove each piece of clothing as if you were opening a gift. Thanks to pseudo-beauty standards though, you will instead perceive a peeled potato which is your body. So, shave, scrub, wax, and polish everything including your toenails. Yes, your toenails.

Once your body has gone through every unnecessary process, lather yourself in oil. The oil will make your skin shine, and even more, it will hide your sebaceous insecurities from the outside world. As long as your skin is lit on the exterior, the interior darkness is of no importance. Use flash for added effects and maybe even some glitter.

Now that you’ve got your preparation done, you must be adventurous to document an exceptional nude selfie. Run around naked in your house with your hands up in the air to gather courage and throw in a couple cartwheels for the aesthetic; your selfie will tell it.

An apt location will be instrumental to your quality nude photo. The more daring you are with the background the more blessings (i.e., likes) you will get. Bathrooms and changing rooms are last season, so take a nude in the kitchen while you’re cooking — this will bring all the misogynistic mansplainers to your yard.

After nailing the phenotypic aspects, nail yourself to the mirror while continuing to utilize your precious time practicing that pose. Contour and contort your face multiple times to look sharp, even though the only thing that needs to be sharp is your mind. Dance to “We Are the Champions” by Queen; this will liberate your skepticism of making this selfie a possibility even though it is your soul that needs to be liberated and lifted.

You may have 99 problems, but taking a selfie won’t be one of them — live on dopamine-induced exhilaration and do it for the ‘gram.