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The Crank Files: Was Curious George Originally About A Human?

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Beneath the veneer of normalcy lies a world of dark shadows and the macabre. Bizarre cults, conspiracies, and creatures abound. One man seeks to get to the bottom of them. Some may call him a crank, but to others he is a truth teller. The Peak‘s resident investigator of all things strange, Tyler Knoll, is on the case over at the Crank Files!What is reality? It’s a question that keeps me up at night, although regular consumption of caffeine might also be a factor. For many, reality is merely existence in and of itself. But then again, the masses are nothing but a bunch of un-woke sheep, content to shill themselves to the secret masters who’ve enslaved their minds.

Clues exist that reality is really a mere simulation — a “Matrix” if you will — of which we humans are not in control. One of the most damning pieces of evidence is the children’s book series, Curious George.

You might think, “What a load of shit, they’re harmless children’s books.” But think again, sheeple. In these books lie the sinister secrets to the infuriating truth of our existence. On the always-reliable and factual forums such as Godlike Productions and TinWiki, many are recording their suppressed memories of Curious George being a book about a human boy with a fully-grown ape as its owner and master.

This role reversal is part of a larger phenomenon known as the “Orangutan Effect.” The Effect involves memories people have of orangutans forcing them into induced sleeps through suspended animation, which naturally hints at a larger ape-takeover of the Earth.

That’s right: the apes are running the zoo, people, and we’re all animals being goggled! Remember Harambe, that gorilla over whose death we all got outraged? Well, he’s probably laughing his ass off in an alternate reality while looking at our fake memories through a remote viewing device!

Our minds are enslaved people, and until we all wake up, we won’t be able to do anything about it. And when we wake up . . . well, I’m not exactly sure what to do then. I mean, I guess we could type in “What is the Matrix” on Google and see what happens. If that doesn’t work, then we could just get really angry and go on rants on Reddit.

Take that, you damn dirty apes!

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society