HUMOUR: Canadian government confirms existence of Jehovah’s Witness Protection program

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On our daily commutes, there is one group of people who work tirelessly to gain the attention and likewise affection of the masses. Day in and day out, these extraordinary individuals weather BC’s most egregious elements, standing diligent to their development amidst a sea of skepticism, or worse: an abundance of ridicule. Unwavering in their belief that they can bring absolution to the tired and fed-up transit goers, they are nothing short of tenaciousness incarnate, worthy of a thousand praises.

I am of course referring to the Jehovah’s Witnesses. (I certainly hope you didn’t think I was talking about Translink.)

While Jehovah’s Witnesses have been all too commonly disregarded at transit stations and bus stops for years, breaking news from Parliament Hill has left many craning their necks to observe the passed-up apostles like never before.

Shortly after Friday afternoon, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau spoke to news outlets in regards to a long-gestating rumour about the Jehovah’s Witness Protection program, which he confirmed to be true.

“There is no sense denying it further to Canadians: this program has existed for some time. It was conceived as a cost effective alternative to our current witness protection program. I assure the public that the cuts continue to be a necessary venture. Without them, the installation of my Olympic size swimming pool in 24 Sussex Drive would not be a reality.”

Further questioning on the subject was cut short when the prime minister cannonballed into his newly installed pool.

Rumours surrounding the existence of the Jehovah’s Witness Protection program first surfaced six months ago. The hearsay was originally conceived over a game of Dungeons & Dragons as a joke by members of the Mom’s Basement Conspiracist Society (MBCS). One can only imagine the shock they were in for when the program was revealed to actually be true.

The Peak contacted the MBCS by landline for further comment but only procured one three-word statement repeated to near infinite (“No fucking way!”), followed by a chorus of laughter.

With the government program now declassified, the future of the program is left in a very uncertain place. Those working the angle are unconvinced that any big changes will ever emerge, though, given people’s aversion to having their spiritual views challenged.

“Whether they know we’re doing it for real or not, as sure as the sun sets and the moon rises, people are still going to pretend to look at their phone every time they walk by us,” said David Clark, a faux-proselytizer in the program. “Which is fine by me, because God’s honest truth, I don’t want to really talk to them either.”

12 COMMENTS

  1. NOT so funny-One of the most harmful Watchtower Jehovah Witness doctrine is the twisted blood transfusion ban that has resulted in the deaths of over 50,000 followers,including innocent children.
    The situation is worse in Africa where bloodless surgery and treatment is either unavailable or way to costly.

  2. Would you believe that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe they said , “stay alive until 1975” ? But they did. I was a JW during that decade (a mistake I soon fixed) I saw an elder’s son quit high school at 16, so he could be a full time WT minister, 100 hrs a month. They used him in an assembly as a fine example of youths who put Jehovah’s Kingdom first. (1975 was a few years away.) JWs will never say they made a mistake believing the Watchtower teachings, even if they suffer grievous harm or death from those teachings.(no-blood transfusion dogma) I know another young married couple who chose not to have children back then, but decided to be full time WT pioneer ministers, because the time was so short- there was no need to have a family. Now almost 50 years later, they are heading into their 70’s, childless, and can never turn the clock back. If JWs weren’t such social parasites, you could laugh them off, but they suck all the benefits they can from Caesar’s social welfare programs and their church gives nothing back to the community. You would think a billion dollar religion could afford one public food pantry or homeless shelter in Canada or the USA, but they don’t. Nope, Jesus’ Christian charity to worldly (non-members) is not practiced. Find out for yourself, just call up a Kingdom hall and invite them to join you in your charitable project. No, they are too busy with their useless street busy-work, to see to the needs of the poor in their community.

    • Ah, Brilliant, someone who was actually part of them then. I’ve never been able to get a reference to where they said in print “stay alive until 1975” (or the other I’ve heard is “stay alive till 75”). Can you please give me the reference (magazine, book or pamphlet) so I can quote it myself. Thanks.

        • I’ve heard this also, but never found it in their literature. The jw have put out more literature than any religion I’ve come across. Would you please show me the article stating the ‘end’ was definitely going to to be in 1975?

          If you can, I’d appreciate it…

          • Hundreds of links many from Watchtower own sources-Google stay alive till 75 Jehovah’s witnesses
            Google it don’t be lazy

    • Wow Talk about misinformed propaganda. The JW’s never said the end would come in 1975, they said that 1975 marked the end of the 6000 years since Adams creation, the end was possible but not predicted. I was there at that time too. Many mistakenly believed that, but that was their thoughts not from the WBTS. The need to abstain from blood is not a dogma, it is stated outright in the bible more than once. The WBTS is constantly giving back to the community, especially in times of need. Throughout every year physical aid at times of disaster and distress is given. Food, clothing, medical aid and help rebuilding homes and lives is given. Often the Witnesses are first responders. NOT ONLY TO FELLOW BELIEVERS but to all in need. First and foremost is spiritual comfort and help physically and spiritually. The “good news of God’s Kingdom” as preached by Jesus and continued on to this day is the only real hope for mans future. So JW’s concentrate on the real fix for these problems. Jesus commanded that this be preached throughout the earth. JW’s do this and will do until the time for the work is complete. Included in this is physically aiding people in need in their communities and others throughout the earth.

    • I’m sure they did. It’s obvious. But it gives them a chance to show their ill feeling, propaganda and misinformation. They have made choices in their lives and then get upset when people don’t agree with them or choose not to associate with them.

  3. I am not bashing
    I am just truth telling
    about a group of people
    who controls one’s living

    They don’t care if you live or die
    just as long they have a cozy place to lie

    My friend, my brothers please open your mind
    it will be too late once you leave everything behind.
    Your education, your career, your youth
    all of it will rot like decay in your tooth.

    Once they used you up and siphoned your life
    you’ll become old and full of strife.

    So listen carefully in the news and what’s happening around…
    about their new headquarters with chemical toxics campground
    child abuse scandal and shunning people abound
    like I said… Watchtower does not care if you live or die
    just as long they have a cozy place to lie