On our daily commutes, there is one group of people who work tirelessly to gain the attention and likewise affection of the masses. Day in and day out, these extraordinary individuals weather BC’s most egregious elements, standing diligent to their development amidst a sea of skepticism, or worse: an abundance of ridicule. Unwavering in their belief that they can bring absolution to the tired and fed-up transit goers, they are nothing short of tenaciousness incarnate, worthy of a thousand praises.
I am of course referring to the Jehovah’s Witnesses. (I certainly hope you didn’t think I was talking about Translink.)
While Jehovah’s Witnesses have been all too commonly disregarded at transit stations and bus stops for years, breaking news from Parliament Hill has left many craning their necks to observe the passed-up apostles like never before.
Shortly after Friday afternoon, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau spoke to news outlets in regards to a long-gestating rumour about the Jehovah’s Witness Protection program, which he confirmed to be true.
“There is no sense denying it further to Canadians: this program has existed for some time. It was conceived as a cost effective alternative to our current witness protection program. I assure the public that the cuts continue to be a necessary venture. Without them, the installation of my Olympic size swimming pool in 24 Sussex Drive would not be a reality.”
Further questioning on the subject was cut short when the prime minister cannonballed into his newly installed pool.
Rumours surrounding the existence of the Jehovah’s Witness Protection program first surfaced six months ago. The hearsay was originally conceived over a game of Dungeons & Dragons as a joke by members of the Mom’s Basement Conspiracist Society (MBCS). One can only imagine the shock they were in for when the program was revealed to actually be true.
The Peak contacted the MBCS by landline for further comment but only procured one three-word statement repeated to near infinite (“No fucking way!”), followed by a chorus of laughter.
With the government program now declassified, the future of the program is left in a very uncertain place. Those working the angle are unconvinced that any big changes will ever emerge, though, given people’s aversion to having their spiritual views challenged.
“Whether they know we’re doing it for real or not, as sure as the sun sets and the moon rises, people are still going to pretend to look at their phone every time they walk by us,” said David Clark, a faux-proselytizer in the program. “Which is fine by me, because God’s honest truth, I don’t want to really talk to them either.”