Boxer Briefs

SFU Introverts Club announces brand new app

[VANCOUVER CAMPUS] – In an attempt to convince the introverted population at SFU that going outside and meeting people is worth the effort, the club will be implementing various changes, including the release of the SFU Introvert App. The app will includes handy features, such as real-time hallway traffic, designed to allow members to avoid unnecessary crowds, and a list of secluded locations on campus for much-needed alone time.

University administration planning to shut down the SFU bookstore

[SURREY CAMPUS] – The bookstore has been documented record lows in profitability according to SFU’s head accountant, Buch Geschäft, who noted that “inelasticity of mandatory textbooks could backfire on us as soon as professors started using free online versions of textbooks that were just as good or even better.”

SFU students will now be expected to buy their supplies and college hoodies from neighboring post-secondary institutions, or just high schools.

SFU launches dangerous study area

[BURNABY CAMPUS] – In response to the demands of the undergraduate population at SFU, the administration is preparing for the grand opening of North America’s first dangerous study area. Students can expect the ceiling to collapse at the slightest quake, and for strange men to go around offering complimentary massage therapy sessions.

Said one student, “when I’m studying, I need to get the adrenaline flowing, or I fall asleep within five minutes. The safeness of the Burnaby campus has been forcing me commute to the Surrey campus whenever I need to study.”