HUMOUR: The Peak presents: our new student survival guide

Photo by Alfred Zhang

So you’ve passed through the gauntlet of high school, and you’ve now moved on to university? Congratulations! I think. What you need now is advice from an experienced post-secondary expert, someone who’s spent the last three years mastering all there is to master and learning all there is to learn: me. I’m the experienced post-secondary expert. So that’s why I wrote this comprehensive, four-step guide for the first month of university. There’s a step for each of the first four weeks, so make sure to follow them exactly to make the most of your post-secondary experience.

(Week one) Create healthy, long-lasting relationships: perhaps the most important thing in university is meeting people. This is where life-long connections are made and true friendships are born. But most importantly, you need someone who will write your papers for you, or feed you exam answers at their own personal risk. Now’s the time in life to approach someone who looks smart and find a common interest (like taxidermy) or maybe buy a round of drinks (fountain pop, because you’re 18). These are the ways to any university student’s heart.

(Week two) Find a mentor who will positively influence you: by now you’ll have realized that not many people enjoy discussing taxidermy with complete strangers, so it’s time to move on from developing meaningful friendships. What you need is a mentor. A smart, handsome, successful mentor. If only you could find such a person, who has a few more years of university experience. . . oh wait, there’s me. I could be your mentor. But kid, I believe in hard work. I can’t just do all the heavy lifting for you — you’d learn nothing! Instead, I’d like for you to attend my lectures, write my papers, and write my scholarship applications. I guarantee it will be an educational experience.

(Week three) Perfect the art of time management: managing your time is key in post-secondary life. Now that you are going to my lectures and completing my coursework and essays, there’s just not enough time for you to handle your own workload. This is an opportunity to learn about prioritizing different responsibilities. Realistically, which lectures — of your own, since mine are mandatory — can you skip? Which assignments — again, of your own — can you afford to ignore and still pass?

(Week four) Never lose sight of the future: the honeymoon period of post-secondary is over, and the reality sinks in. Handling both of our timetables is a lot for even the most capable of freshmen, so I think it’s time for you to drop out and start a career as my full-time assistant. I’ve got lots of papers to do and plenty of books to read, and they aren’t going to read/write themselves. As a bonus, I even pay: once every two weeks, I’ll take you out for a cheeseburger (no combos though). Life will be good. Graduates of the Austin Cozicar School of Hard Knocks have gone on to illustrious careers such as dishwashers, gas station attendants, and sewage disposal cleaners — and you can too!