Four of the sexiest and least sexy songs

Photo courtesy of Michael Caulfield, Getty Images.

Top 4 Sexiest “Sexy” Songs

“Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye

Leave it to legendary R&B crooner Marvin Gaye to make a slow burning torch song that is simultaneously raunchy and romantic. Singing about how he’s “hot just like an oven,” Gaye makes horniness sound poetic (take note, Pitbull). Most importantly, his lyrics invite his partner’s consent instead of infantilizing or degrading her. For a modern update on this song try the breezy EDM remix by Norwegian DJ Kygo.

“Anaconda” by Nicki Minaj

Naysayers be damned: this is a song about butts and I’m down with that. Minaj spits over a creeping jungle beat and a sample from “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot. She assures you that she “ain’t missin’ no meals.” While brandishing her sexuality with agency and confidence, Ms. Minaj is not known for her subtlety; you should check your hearing if you think this song is about reptiles by the end.

“Every Other Freckle” by alt-J

This British alternative rock outfit delivers lines like “Turn you inside out/and lick you like a crisp packet” with the utmost sincerity that makes their strangely specific yearnings all the more endearing. This folksy tune on their latest album, “This is All Yours,” sees frontman Joe Newman promising his lover that he wants “every other freckle.”

Any song by The Weeknd

Toronto R&B artist Abel Tesfaye (or The Weeknd) is burning up the charts and for good reason. His smooth, sometimes trippy songs are punctuated with stuttering beats and a nuanced soundscape. His lyrics are overtly sexual and fluctuate between romantic and bizarrely menacing. Songs to check out include “Often,” “High for This,” and the sure-to-be-hit, “Can’t Feel My Face.”

Top 4 Least Sexy “Sexy” Songs

“Blurred Lines (feat. Pharrell and TI)” by Robin Thicke

This song has been critiqued to death, but I’ll indulge myself just another stab at whatever remains of this song’s goodwill. This is a song that trivializes female consent and glorifies a machismo pursuit of women’s bodies with an absurd level of entitlement. The video takes this a step further by infantilizing the female models and making me think poorly of Pharrell, who should know better.

“Bump n’ Grind” by R. Kelly

“My mind’s telling me no/But my body, my body’s telling me yes.” So begins this train wreck of a song, and I wish I could tell you it gets classier. Instead, R. Kelly rhapsodizes about not seeing anything wrong “with a little bump n’ grind.” Besides this song attempting (and failing) to make coercive sexual contact “sexy,” it’s also just plain gross. Especially considering Kelly was charged with possession of child pornography and having sex with an underage girl. Listen to your mind, Kelly.

“I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry

Katy Perry is edgy and she wants you to know it. This former Christian rocker tries desperately to shed her good girl image by doing the sexiest and most provocative thing she can think of — kissing another girl. Still think this song is progressive? How about a heteronormative male fantasy of female sexuality?

Any Song By Pitbull

Pitbull, otherwise known as the worst part of your favourite songs, forces you to answer the question, “Why is he a thing?” Pitbull seems to think his objectification of women is charming and fun. Take this lyric from smash hit “Timber”: “I have ‘em like Miley Cyrus, clothes off/ Twerking in their bras and thongs.” Charmed yet? Pitbull’s cringe-inducing lyrics turn semi-enjoyable songs like “Time of our Lives” into unbearable celebrations of misogyny.

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