There’s a revolutionary alternative to wearing a bike helmet

Photo courtesy of Christopher Porter (Flickr)
Photo courtesy of Christopher Porter (Flickr)
Photo courtesy of Christopher Porter (Flickr)

Drier, warmer weather outside means it’s time to grease up your chains and get exploring the Lower Mainland on your bicycle. But the one thing standing in the way of you taking on the world? That clunky bike helmet that makes you look like something from rejected Transformers concept art. Thankfully, there’s an alternative for those who are sick of wearing protective head gear while on the go: introducing Muerte®, the stylish new substitute for bike helmets.

So what is Muerte®? It’s nothing. That’s right, the minimalist and sleek design of Muerte involves wearing absolutely nothing on your head, meaning you’ll never arrive at your destination with embarrassing helmet hair again.

Here’s how it works: instead of strapping on a bike helmet when you’re about to leave the house, just tell yourself that you probably don’t need one. After all, accidents are things that only happen to other cyclists. Next, use those mime skills you learned in grade seven drama class to go through the motions of putting on a helmet without actually doing so. Voila, you are ready to go in your state-of-the-art Muerte®.

Muerte®’s custom fit design means you’ll never have to compromise style for safety again. Sure, studies have shown that helmets can substantially reduce the risk of neck injury in the event of a crash — between 63 to 88 per cent, in fact — but is that really worth it to look like a boggle head? And how about when you arrive at your destination and remove your helmet, only to feel that your hair is sort of damp from the bike ride? It might be illegal to not wear a helmet while cycling, but you know what else should be illegal? Showing up for social situations with already sweaty hair.

The benefits of biking instead of driving are abundant: not only does it contribute to leading an active lifestyle, but you’re also reducing carbon emissions and alleviating congestion in already burgeoning urban landscapes. You’d never call yourself a hero, but real heroes rarely do. With so many upsides to choosing a bike over any other mode of transportation, don’t you deserve something as unique as Muerte® on top of your melon?

Where can you purchase this revolutionary helmet and how much does it cost? The Muerte® helmet is available anywhere and is absolutely free. Seriously. Why would it cost anything? You’re simply choosing to not wear a helmet, so of course that wouldn’t cost anything. With a price so low, Muerte® is the perfect fit for any budget.

A poll conducted in 2014 found that over 17 per cent of cyclists admitted to feeling self-conscious about the potentially life-saving device worn on their heads.

Don’t be just another statistic. Try Muerte® today!

Disclaimer: before wearing Muerte®, ask your parents and loved ones if not wearing a bicycle helmet is right for you. Side effects of Muerte may include a slight increase in rider’s visibility, increased volume in your hair, decreased protection in the event of an accident, and a 90 per cent increase in people telling you to wear a fucking helmet.