Faux SFSS election profiles

Photo courtesy of ^ |_ v-|- Ø (Flickr)

With the transit referendum engulfing the Greater Vancouver area and the upcoming federal election happening later this year, it’s refreshing to finally have politics worth paying attention to: the 2015 Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) elections.

You may be thinking, “Oh, you mean those elections filled with unelectable candidates whom I couldn’t care less about?” Yes, those! But as a journalist and an important member of society, I am obligated to ask the hard questions and aid voters in assessing which student leaders are the best fit for you. Thus, I have decided to do something radical and actually get to know these candidates.

Which brings me to SHWANGA, a platform of peculiar humans determined to make SFU a better place for you and me. Luckily, I had the chance of a lifetime to interview their six executive candidates; read on to find out more about these mysterious newcomers.

And please remember that not voting perpetuates apathy, and not casting an informed vote is a perpetuation of stupidity. Our fellow students need you to vote because they need doers who have dedication and decency. Bow to this emotional blackmail; it is your sacred duty.

Bob Village

Photo courtesy of ^ |_ v-|- Ø (Flickr)
Photo courtesy of ^ |_ v-|- Ø (Flickr)

Position running for: SFSS President
Last seen: Circulating a petition demanding that the university do more to foster student community.
Last heard saying: “Why doesn’t SFU have a more engaged student community?”
Motivation: Feels strongly about creating a community. He wants to contribute to creating community and is willing to help anyone who has the same goal of enriching the student community.
Phobias: Original ideas, having to back up claims with action.
Goal: To build a student community that will help the community and students.
Campaign speech excerpt: “I may be a man of few words, but they’re the words you care about. Like students. And community!”

Tim Walker

Photo courtesy of Emanuele Rosso (Flickr)
Photo courtesy of Emanuele Rosso (Flickr)

Position running for: VP External Relations
Last seen: Campaigning at the bus stop near residence on Burnaby Mountain.
Last heard saying: “I’ll just wait for the next one.”
Motivation: Tired of lousy TransLink bus services up and down the mountain; body odour on buses.
Phobias: bike lanes, standing while riding the bus, studying for his “N” test.
Goal: To advocate for improved bus services, transit police fines for people who just couldn’t be bothered to put on deodorant this morning.
Campaign speech excerpt: “We have been teased with this gondola pipe dream for too long. Now, I am taking the stand and saying we need better bus services on the mountain. It’s not fair for me to always have to ask my dad to come get me just because I hate riding on a crowded, stinky bus.”

Emma Kaching

Photo courtesy of  Chris Zebes (Flickr)
Photo courtesy of Chris Zebes (Flickr)

Position running for: VP Finance
Last seen: Shouting at Topshop assistants for ripping her off on expensive jeggings.
Last heard saying: “I have inspired 78 startups in the button-making industry alone.”
Motivation: Little to none, after her online/offline shopping addiction has left her broke and lethargic.
Phobias: Missing out on a good sale, getting mail at the end of the month.
Goal: To raise domestic student tuition rates so they are milking as much student money as international rates.
Campaign speech excerpt: “Why am I the only one concerned about the financial exploitation that international students go through? Everyone should be paying the same, lucrative fees. Equality for all!”

Hazel Omar

Photo courtesy of Alison Berto (Flickr)
Photo courtesy of Alison Berto (Flickr)

Position running for: VP Student Life
Last seen: Spending several hours walking around on campus, trying to find anything even remotely resembling a party.
Last heard saying: “Maybe I should have gone to UBC.”
Motivation: Increasing student sociability, reducing the number of downers there seem to be during the rainy months.
Phobias: Vast amounts of overwhelming concrete, introverts.
Goal: Have the school be sponsored by PBR, transit buses replaced with party buses.
Campaign speech excerpt: “Our university needs to foster a more welcoming atmosphere. An atmosphere with more parties.”

Isabella Rommi

Image courtesy of Pedro Ribeiro Simões (Flickr)
Image courtesy of Pedro Ribeiro Simões (Flickr)

Position running for: VP Students Services
Last seen:
throwing her arms up in frustration on the second floor of the Robert Brown Centre (RBC).
Last heard saying:
“I’ll tear the whole place down if I have to!”
Motivation:
Wants to make life easier for students who have classes in architecturally demonic buildings.  
Phobias include:
being late, the maze scene from The Shining.
Goal:
to install an interactive map at the entrance of RBC or bulldoze the building entirely — whichever students agree with most.
Campaign speech excerpt:
“I will provide a voice for the large numbers of disenfranchised students who are fed up with being sent to a building without a speck of compassion and being lost for hours!”

Benjamin Balunga

Photo courtesy of Silvia Sala (Flickr)
Photo courtesy of Silvia Sala (Flickr)

Position running for: VP University Relations
Last seen:
Sleeping in the library, using his textbooks as a makeshift pillow.
Last heard saying:
“Can I borrow your notes? I missed last week’s lecture.”
Motivation:
To improve student mental wellness and ensure proper academic success for all.
Phobias:
Winter, classes, anything that takes place before 9 a.m.
Goal:
To advocate for a Fall semester reading break and a second reading break during Winter semester.
Campaign speech excerpt:
“I can’t speak for the rest of students, but I for one am tired of being tired!”