First off, I’d like to congratulate everyone on doing a stellar job. Without your unrelenting disdain and vocal opposition, Comic Sans wouldn’t be the almost-universally hated font that it is today.
I remember how some of you were worried when that curvy young whippersnapper came onto the scene back in ‘94. “All of our favourite fonts are done for,” some of you panicked. “It’s casual but fun, and works with almost every kind of situation. How will they ever compete?!” Can you remember what I said that day?
“We will make it through this. Because we are the Typographic Secret Society, and we never give up.”
Ostracizing Comic Sans was the most successful propaganda blitz we’ve run since Wingdings. Convincing people that these nonsensical hieroglyphs left behind by a now dead-and-gone alien civilization were deserving of their own font was both hilarious and brilliant. A skull and crossbones standing for an “n”? No one else in the world would think to come up with this stuff. It’s genius — or should I say γενιυσ, if you catch my drift.
I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: thank you all for your hard work and dedication. Without it, the Typographical Secret Society wouldn’t be the internationally successful organization it is today.
Okay, now we need to ask ourselves: What font are we going to pummel into the ground next?
I know that some of you are still wondering why we had to knock Comic Sans down so many pegs. I had someone ask me if we’d been a bit too harsh on the font, but let’s remember the whole mission statement of our secret society: to protect, curate, and dictate the typography world for the rest of the design-impaired population and for future typography enthusiasts.
What do you mean, maybe we shouldn’t gang up on any font? Do you realize how crazy that sounds?! Without one font out there attracting all of the negative attention, being the butt of every typography joke and acting as a go-to for moms just learning how to navigate Microsoft Word, people won’t know where to direct their slander. Font hatred would become anarchy; people would start developing original, more objective opinions about fonts that maybe aren’t Comic Sans or whatever other campy font we decide to throw under the bus. There’s a natural order to the typography world and it is our duty to preserve it.
No one is more passionate about fonts than us. People are going to hate whatever font we want them to hate.
Now, I know we’re not deciding on which new font to bully until next month’s meeting, but I would personally like to put forward Tahoma for consideration. It has everything we’re looking for: no one’s crazy about it in the first place, it’s ugly, and the name sounds like an accidentally racist alias Homer Simpson would come up with. It’s perfect.
